I'm still listening to Ajahn Brahm, usually in the bath first thing in the morning. Cancer cells die or get damaged above 40 degrees C, so I tend to follow a regime in the morning of, tea, toast, Tumeric capsule, Omeprazole, Digestive Enzymes, Omega 3 - 9 and then relax in a 45 degree C bath with a 600ml Smart Water bottle with a Berrocca. Who knows if any of this does any good but it seems to be the level my body needs to think we are fighting Bert. Bert is the name of the cancer, sorry for all the Berts I know, he isn't named after you. Carol asked me one day what we should call the tumour under my arm and at that moment in time I was thinking of Bert and Ernie from the muppets and I rather like Ernie. As you can imagine, I've read a lot by this stage about various people who have managed to get themselves out of this tricky situation and the majority of people who get through succeed with the control of their minds rather than their body alone. The mind is a far more complicated thing to control than the body and I have struggled in the last few weeks to get to a place where I could say that my mind was helping to fight the disease rather than assist it. Every time I got a visit and broke into tears I really felt this was just a way of lowering my immune system and that further promoted the growth of various tumours and this effect had the knock on impact of scaring the life out of me and progressed the cycle even more. I knew it was of absolute priority to break the cycle and get my head somewhere that I could be calm and this is the reason I tripped across Ajahn Brahm who has managed to get me to 'Let Go' and stop worrying about tomorrow, next month or next year and this I think is what is helping me get my mind back to where it needs to be in order to give some sort of fight.
We spent Saturday at Edinburgh with my Sister Dawn, her Husband Alan, their two boys Andrew and Cameron and my Mum and Dad. Cameron's friend Emilie joined later in the day. As you can imagine, I love all of these people very much and have been my core family unit, loving and supporting and people who are all remarkable and caring in their own right. I knew before we left that it would be a difficult day and as the night before was restless I felt very tired inside before the long track to Edinburgh begun. For various logistical reasons, we have been making this trip for almost 20 years on xmas eve to exchange presents and enjoy Dawn's cooking and everyone's company. Normally Alan's Mum or Dad and his brother are in attendance but this year it was only Dawn's side of the family which made me a little sad but at the same time was almost a relief as the emotional aspects could be better kept under control or so I thought. The day went well. We started off by exploring the new kitchen extension that Dawn and Alan had been working on since September and I admired the technology that had been 'plumbed in'. The place was amazing. I've always had a deep sense of sibling rivalry with my sister Dawn, I've no idea why but over the years it's felt a bit like a competition or an arms race to see who can buy the biggest TV. This year however I have to say that I've managed to get to a point where I just felt really chuffed for her and Alan that have managed to get to where they are and now have a long retirement in front of them. I think this is an affect of letting go and loosing the desire which ultimately drives a sense of suffering. Either way I was glad that I wasn't thinking about moving house to catch up or ripping the house apart to convince myself that I was admirably competing. We spent the day initially mucking about with the VR stuff I had brought through. I really enjoy spending some time with Andrew and Cameron as its not very often we get the chance to chat and have a laugh these days as they are both going through university. The usual quiz of the year took place hosted by Andrew and this year it was declared an overall draw and this must have been because Carol and I were on the same side, Carol usually wins every year.
The day continued we had food and during the festivities I got a text from Ian P who was my first manager in ScottishPower. He was wishing us all the best for the coming treatment and let me know he was thinking about us. I think this was the initial trigger. I quickly started to reminisce about vodka and red bull and the other various life learnings he gave me as a young student of his. For over 20 years we have continued to meet up during social gatherings and it has always felt like we have never been apart. Not long after we were opening xmas presents. Emotionally I was fine until Dawn and Carol were cuddling as Carol gave thanks for a pendant she had been given. I just lost it. The thought Carol losing this affinity with Dawn after I had 'left the building' broke me. I then sank into a world of self pity for 30 minutes or so being comforted by Dawn, Carol and Alan. This had the knock on effect of sending others into floods of tears and the party came to a bit of a halt. I had broken the 'Let it Go' idea, I had projected into the future, created a situation which may never happen, dwelled upon it and then overloaded myself with so much self pity and grief that I ended up in a pit of despair. I knew how I had managed to get there, I knew how to stop it but I had let it happen anyway. It was at that point that I decided that this cycle needed to stop and I promised myself to only think about the moment and that the most important thing in life was actually the thing in front of me at that moment in time.
The next day was xmas and we had a few visits scheduled. We had decided not to spend the usual xmas with Joe, Alison and Orla and in retrospect this was probably the wrong thing to do. We should have carried on as normal even though I may not have had the energy to carry it through. Joe, Alison and Orla came over in the afternoon to visit however and deliver presents. I had been dreading the moment when we got to see Orla as she is very precious to both Carol and I and I thought I would be in floods of tears again. It never happened. We had a nice couple of normal hours and when they left I felt fine. Later that day, my dad came to the house with my cousins George and John. As ever we enjoyed some of their stories with George climbing mountains in Tehran and John recalling his cycle from Lands End to John O'Groats. I have to admit that sometimes I feel 'what I have I done with my life' when I hear their exploits but then I remember that it's not what you achieve it's the process of how you achieve it that should give you contentment. When I contemplate like this, I think that I feel fairly rounded, almost complete, as everything I have ever done has always been with the thoughts of others and in a way that has never seen confrontation or their detriment. Again, the normal reaction to hearing these stories should have been that stirring of sibling rivalry and a promise to get out and go do something extreme. This time the feeling of happiness for both of the guys in their life was the primary emotion and that of joy and that I was really just happy to see both of them and enjoy an hour of their time. They both left, we hugged and said goodbye. In my mind I wasn't thinking that this may be the last time we see each other even although I knew that to be true however there were no tears or snotters and both Carol and I were fine. It was a xmas miracle almost - a full day without tears.
It's been a long three weeks, a true rollercoaster but eventually I have managed to get my mind back to the place it needs to be. We are living in the moment and enjoying today, not caring about tomorrow or the day after and I have cast of the rocks in my back pack that have weighed me down for years. We have brought some normality back to life and I feel we are in a better place now to deal with whatever lies ahead of us.
To everyone who observes this rant, enjoy your day today, The most important thing in your life is the thing or person in front of you right now. Don't worry about the future, forget about problems in your past and care about the friends and family you have today. Happy holidays.
