So the last couple of days have just been another few loops of the rollercoaster that Carol and I seem to be permanently attached to these days. Saturday I took my regular visit to Danny's the hairdresser in Uddingston for my three week tidy up job. It's unusual, in fact it never happens, that I visit the barber and can't get a seat. The shop was full of kids and parents and there was no where to squeeze in so I stood for a second and then left. Leaving the shop was a strange sensation - what do I do now? It took me so much courage to get up and get out into the real world in the first instance that I felt that returning home would be failing my introduction back into society. I decided at this point to go for a walk, I love just walking.
I left Uddingston main street and headed towards Bothwell Castle. I walked towards the Clyde then to the policies and then to the golf course eventually getting within touch of the shop again when my friend Bill (who has the same disease) phoned. I crossed the road to get out of traffic and find some quiet space. It amazes me that in places like Bothwell and Uddingston there is very little 'quiet' space as there is always people, always bustle even though these places seem like tranquil villages. I spoke with Bill for about 30 minutes mostly about his experiences with Chemotherapy. I have had my reservations about starting Chemo although I understand that this is the only route open to me at this point in time. The thought of have Long Lines, or Ports or PICC lines just scares the hell out of me and it was reassuring that Bill hadn't experienced any of these tortures or any side affects of the Chemo itself. The Chemo however had no effect on his condition however which is a slight technicality in the whole arrangement.
Before I got married I never really knew what it was like to not have my mum cut my hair. My mum was a hairdresser and call it convenience, her hobby or something else, by the time I was 26 I hadn't stepped foot in a barbers. When Carol and I first got married, we moved to Tannochside and the nearest destination for hair cut related emergencies was Danny's in Uddingston. Ever since, I have regularly been attending the shop every two or three weeks for the last 20 years. It's great therapy. I love the shop and I love the people. Over the years there have been those who have came and went but Danny and Andy have been there since I started visiting the place and we share each others lives over a £7 + £1 tip hair cut at least once a month.
Whilst I was walking and waiting to return to the shop, I played with the idea of not telling the guys. It was a difficult emotion to deal with as every time I brought someone else into the circle of trust, I felt that I had just placed a wailing monkey on that person's back, after all who really wants to have to deal with some of my 'end of the world' type issues when they have enough of their own to deal with. I eventually got back to the shop however and took my place in the queue. There were many kids in the queue all being kids if you know what I mean, loud and excited about Christmas. I don't do kids very well so tried to block out the constant kicking and screaming in the background and found myself staring at my reflection in a mirror and wondering what 6 months of Chemo will make me look like.
In the shop cutting hair today were the usual crew of James, Danny and Andy. I don't select who cuts my hair I just go with the flow, who ever is free. Danny was next up. Danny is an incredibly nice guy. That's it. It's difficult to say how much I enjoy chatting with him but usually a visit on a Saturday is always a positive experience and we always have a laugh. He mentioned that he had spotted me earlier and didn't think I would come back as the place was so busy. I said that I went for a walk and that I needed to keep my strength up, Danny looked at me and said 'so keeping your strength up?'. I said 'yeah,I'll speak to you outside about it', he said 'so keeping your strength up' as if he didn't want to let the conversation go. From here I started to quietly explain about the situation. I'm not sure if the rest of the shop was involved at this point but usually you can tune into people's conversations if you are waiting your turn. I was ok, never broke down just told him the facts and in response he told me his son had cancer and he was helping him whilst he was being treated. Again a normal Saturday at the barbers sharing information and even having a laugh at one point - Danny suggested that he was devastated that he might lose a haircut. Anyway he finished the cut and I left him £20 to get the guys a drink at Christmas but before I could leave he jumped into his till and pulled out a piece of paper and gave me his mobile number offering a home service if I couldn't get out. That was it, the tears started welling and I needed to get out of the shop ASAP before I turned into the Trevi Fountain. I left briefly saying goodbye to Andy and James. That was a hard exit. I got back to the car however and was immediately reassured that humanity isn't all good by the fact that I had a parking ticket on my car. I remember driving home in crazy traffic in the rain thinking, I'm not really going to miss this.
Got home, paid the parking fine and spent the afternoon in the usual semi zombie state interrupted by visits to the recycle centre, balancing the hot tub chemicals and scrubbing the front path. By this time my appetite had started to come back and lunch now consisted of roasted cheese. At some point I decided to go for a bath as Carol has another magic recipe of bath salts to exit toxins. What harm could it do. I have been listening to The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying narrated in part by John Cleese. I lay in a bath and listened to some more philosophical ramblings until it was time to get out. Almost immediately after this Carol's sister Alison and her Husband Joe appeared. We are close with all of Carol's family, have been for years, but we spend Christmas with Alison and Joe, have been on holidays and have tended to socialise quite a bit over the years so I knew this visit would be tough. It was tough. Again I managed to lighten the spirits by sticking Joe on the VR for 20 minutes trying to make him sick but eventually the short visit had to end and again I was in floods of tears with hugs and cuddles again. Man this cycle of - Hiya - This is what it is - Cuddle / Tears is horrible and is ripping my heart into a 100 pieces. I always see the good in people and when that shines through it makes me want to cry. These situations you only see the the side of people who want to help and who are affected by your affliction. This is usually hard for me to ignore and ultimately sets off the waterworks. Saturday night the pain on the tumour under my arm had increased and I found myself taking more morphine. I also needed sleeping tablets to get me over. We now usually put a fireplace or a candle on youtube and beam it to the TV although we have also been trying mindful meditation videos which seem to help calm things down.
On Sunday I drifted in and out of consciousness on the couch for a few hours. I'm not sure if this is just lack of sleep catching up or if this is the affect of the morphine or even the cancer itself. Around lunch time we eventually decided to go for a walk, parked the car at Bothwell Castle and walked along the Clyde to the Livingston memorial. Carol had never been here. Although I love to share new things with Carol I found the centre quite depressing. This world famous man remembered by a much abused area just made me sad. I have watched the local groups try to rejuvenate the place and have also witnessed the mobs of youths who have systematically tried to destroy it. It fills my heart with anger and sadness but ultimately I realise that the only way to break this cycle is via education, and this is an education facility so eventually things will turn out ok. We came home had dinner, watched Have I Got News for You, saw Andy Murray pick up SPOTY (and be not really too bothered about it - class) and eventually drifted off to bed with more morphine and more sleeping tablets.
I decided that I was only going to blog when something got to me so much that I had to write about it. Today there was an 'incident' that triggered me into action again. No different a morning, we dropped my car off for some Ad-Blue and the garage had delight in telling me there was probably around 30 factory recall notices that they were happy to proceed with. We came home and I logged into work. I got a ping from Paul K. I've worked in Investment and Private Banking for about 6 years and I can honestly say that I have engaged with 1000's of people and have only met a few that are 'genuine' human beings. The majority of people you meet in these business are the types you would find on the Apprentice, shouty, self driven, ruthless types that would step over you to get to the check out if you were having a heart attack in M&S. Anyway, Paul K is one of those guys who contradicts the Investment Banking norm, he is a true gent. He called me today after hearing about my news and suggested that the Bank should be there to help me get through the next few months and that he would do all he could to make sure that we were dealing with as little stress as possible over the next period. Paul K is a long servant of HSBC and Bank of Bermuda and has no real jurisdiction over me personally, just a human being who is interested in the well being of another. Again the thoughts of true human emotion and demonstrations of sympathy and kindness for someone who really doesn't need to get involved brought the water works on again and I spent 30 minutes cuddling Carol in full flow again - Kindness is a gift, those who have it possess great power and those who are in receipt of it are always ultimately grateful.
I leave for the Oncologist in an hour or so. Today will be an understanding of how much travel this rollercoaster has left in it.
