The last 2 weeks have been a blur and I promised myself that I would keep those who had some interest in this saga up to date with all the comings and goings of my mind and body via this blog. Having said that however, I realise that the general rantings of a middle aged, ginger haired Scottish bloke can sometimes at times become tedious and superfluous to normal folk's everyday life. If this becomes the case, I apologise and with all sincerity I accept that you will skim read or skip sections that I write - there isn't going to be an exam, I promise. Anyway, as I have probably said before, this is therapy for me first and foremost but is also a sort of 'Hitch hikers guide to being diagnosed with cancer' sort of thing and if it helps those who follow me, then so be it.
Today was T+12 after cancer diagnosis and we were asked to visit the nurse in Ross Hall in order to plan for chemotherapy. As ever today started off on a somber note. I had a few texts and WhatsApp messages to get through as usual all wishing me all the best and telling me not to give in. Whilst responding to comments, I decided that I would use this blog to mention some of my closest friends en route and allow this dialogue to continue in the future and at points give some people something to reflect on.
One of my longest and dearest friends, my best man, my buddy from school, the guy that helped me discover alcohol and cigarettes and the man I have bowled with over 30 years dropped me a WhatsApp this morning. We had been chatting on and off for days but this morning he dropped me a line to say how he was struggling to cope with the news and gave me a big hug. I responded in the usual way having to go dry my iPhone a couple of times with the floods of tears that drowned it and made the screen impossible to use. Actually this reminds me of an 'incident' whilst walking in the highlands, using my iPhone as guidance, getting caught in a storm and losing the ability to unlock my phone and getting completely lost in fog - not big and not clever. If you are walking in the hills, take a compass, a real compass. Anyway I responded to David and sat in contemplation for a few minutes, reminding myself of the night we went to Casper's Disco, we drank Pernod and Blackcurrant, David was sick on the way home and I was sick later in bed. We must have been about 15 or 16. I recalled the times we toured with the bowling club and me always in awe at the fact that no matter what sport he played he was always great at it. For being my best man, my amigo and my great goto guy, Davy G, in the words of Whitney Houston, "I'll always love you"
So with that out of the way, the next text message popped in from Keith Thomson who I've known from ScottishPower days. Keith was the DBA team lead at the time and I was a snotty developer who knew nothing. I can remember that no matter how bonkers an idea I had or how urgent a request there was or how unreasonable on any given day I was, Keith was always willing to listen, suck up the pain I was in and lend a hand. It's unusual in technology circles to find people who share your pain, mostly it's everyman for themselves as technology is a fickle game and sometimes getting involved with someone's problem means that you ultimately get to own it. Keith and others (I'll mention you soon don't get upset) have been a place of harbour in a stormy sea of technology idioms, twunts and general madness and uncertainty and had always been a beacon of light at xmas when I get to sit down for a couple of beers to discuss how pointless our roles in technology actually are. Again, the tears began and the text was sent back up the chain probably causing more anguish and gulping at the other end, this was not the point but more the nature of what I was feeling at the time, sorry.
The day progressed, had a hot bath in Epsom salts again by order of Nurse Carol which at 45 degrees or so takes it out of you first thing in the morning. I logged into work, had a few chats on and off with colleagues who were wishing me well. I've worked in literally 100's of offices over the years and made lots of workplace acquaintances and generally don't have negative experiences. Sometimes you just get on with folk and sometimes you click and that really makes a difference. In HSBC I don't really work in an office, I exist in the internet and usually converse over VC or conference lines however in HSBC Stirling there are 2 people who I have become pretty close to, Georgina and Paul D. Both of the folks are your well experienced, long in the tooth ones who realise that being like The Apprentice candidates is not generally a good demeanour to have. On and off they have been offering their support and I can tell that they both have been impacted by my news for which I again apologise. Paul today was offering support, help and assistance over the festive break which he obviously didn't have to do but it again showed me that the good in people just burst out when there are fellow humans in trouble and this again made my eyes swell with pride in the human race again which was needed after the back drop of the attacks in Berlin.
Ronny / Paul W / Gerry / Goldie and everyone else, I'm not excluding you from the rant, I just need to get on with the story of today.
At 1pm we left for Ross Hall yet again and visited the Oncology Ward, 1st Floor Argyle suite where we met Sheila and Kathleen who are part of the nursing unit there. The meeting was excellent, we were told about what drugs I was to be prescribed, how these would be administered and what the expected side effects may be. This was all done over tea and biscuits btw in a very pleasant setting which helped calm Carol and me down. My biggest fear going into all of this would be that I would need a PICC or Long Line and I couldn't think about how this would affect my life. Sheila reassured us that this was nothing to worry about as this was olde world technology and that if anything I'd get a portacath which immediately sounded horrible but when explained sounded very simple. Anyway the meeting ended in the usual way now by a nurse taking more bloods from me, I'm amazed I have any left by this point, I got weighed yet again and we finished up with yet another ECG where I got my chest shaved this time. We left the hospital in a strangely calm place. The last 2 weeks had been full of uncertainty and shifting sands but eventually we had some clarity on where the ship was now heading and my chemotherapy on EOX, 3 weekly cycles would start on Thursday the 29th of December. We drove home in a more calm state.
I've always been interested in religion but have always struggled with the facts as I have had 20+ years in education as well as the power of the internet at my fingers. I've always believed in Jesus and the things he did but kinda get a bit lost when the bible ventures into areas that just don't make any logical sense. I still consider myself a christian and a believer to an extent and am always interested in stories and documentaries. Recently I have had to ask myself the questions about life, death, the universe and everything and I've found that there's things that resonate with me and help calm my head. When we got home tonight, Carol and I watched a speech by Ajahn Brahm, a cockney Buddhist monk who gives regular lectures on anything from dealing with Alcohol to Reincarnation. He has a pleasant manner and surprisingly has a good sense of humour. Anyway, in my quest for the the answer to 'what happens when you die' Carol and I watched https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BZZupDuprhU 'What happens after you die', and it helped put us into quite a relaxed and calm state. Essentially his lecture is summed up by the mind is a very powerful thing and whatever you want to be your next state after you leave your body, you will create exactly that. This in my mind helps to bridge the divide between religions on all sides as when Christians die and they expect heaven, they will get heaven. When atheists go they will get a god free existence and when I eventually leave I'll get to sit at the top of a snowy mountain with a pair of fat skis holding Carol's hand with the sun on our faces. Awesome !
