Wednesday 22ne February 2017
I've been awake since 3am and didn't get to sleep till 12.30 am, and have been to the loo twice in that time, so not a great night so far,so thought I'd catch up with the blog.
Yesterday I went for my fifth chemotherapy session. I really didn't want to go, the chemo sessions are fine, the ladies there are wonderful, it's just the after effects which are horrible, which kick in a few days after. I got up and made some scones to take in for the ladies there, they loved the cream tea l took in last time, so I thought I'd do it again. Maybe I'll make a thank you cake for my (hopefully) last visit there.
After the chemo we went to the beach near the hospital to watch the starlings on the pier doing their murmurrating patterns in the sky before they roost under the pier, it was amazing. Then fish and chips, so a lovely end to the day.
The last couple of days have been better than Sunday. I think Sunday was a huge realisation that a couple of relatives really don't care about what I'm going through, I have now accepted that and moved on, I think I am stronger for it actually. I won't expect them to ask how I am now, and I won't let myself get upset when they don't. I don't like to put on people or worry them, but honestly when there was the big family gathering that me and hubby couldn't go to at the weekend my daughters said I wasn't mentioned at all which they found very disappointing, it made me feel absolutely worthless, and that's the truth of it. They didn't even ask how I was, I was just not mentioned, these are the people who always boast to everyone about what a close family we all are and how caring they are. I sit and listen patiently about their family health problems all the time...and between them they go on and on, they are really not at all life threatening problems and it's very tiring listening to it all, and it's been going on for years. I've always been the one who is the fit one of the family, I've never had medical problems up until now ever, but now me going through cancer, (which they informed me was easily treatable as they knew several women who had it that were 100%cured!) I didn't enlighten them about different types of cancer, grades etc and the fact that TNBC will be a huge worry to me for many years after the treatment finishes and that I don't think I will ever feel safe or 100 % cured ever! So I realised that after the family gathering that I'm obviously the elephant in the room that no one wants to mention, how lovely and considerate of them. Then after I text them on Monday morning to say the photos my daughters sent through looked lovely and that it looked like they all had a lovely time she replied that me and hubby were missed and that they were all thinking about me all of the time, I was tempted to reply, well not according to my daughters who were there at the gathering and the meal from start to finish, but that's not my style. She mentioned all about her family and a medical problem with one of them, and right at the end just put, hope you're getting on ok. I guess the thoughtlessness of it hit me on Sunday, it made me realise a lot of things about people. My own dad never asks after me, but he has terrible memory problems so I fully understand and worry about him all of the time, my brother is hit and miss, but says some awfully upsetting things, like what will happen to dads inheritance if you die, and there's only good and bad with cancer, no in between, oh and the last one was, well I haven't been to visit you because if you were really bad and there was no hope, obviously I'd come and see you, or when it's all over and ok we will come and celebrate, (I think he's waiting to see how it goes before he makes the four hour drive) Anyway my little rant is over. I am just so glad I have two wonderful daughters who support and love me so much, and a husband who really is truly fantastic even after nearly thirty years! He is a star. I have an Aunty and Uncle who are like parents to me, one niece who keeps in contact and asks about every appointment when I've been, and neighbours and a few great friends who do care, they care a lot. Also the wonderful people on this site who have got me through some very dark times, I will always be so grateful for everyone on here. So I am blessed, in many ways. Having cancer has really taught me a valuable lesson.
I am managing to keep up with all that goes on in our little holiday business workwise, so that's a relief as it was a huge worry in November when I was diagnosed, if this had come about in the summer when we are very busy it would have been a different story I think. Today is going to be busy and after only a tiny little bit of sleep it's going to be tough I think, plus hubby has booked a meal for tonight with the neighbours, thinking a little treat before the side effects from yesterday's chemo kick in would be nice for me, he's thoughtful like that. Thank goodness I have one more day of steroids to keep me going!
Anyway I'm going to get up and go and carry on knitting a cot blanket for my lovely grandson, it's quite complicated and keeps my mind busy as I'm not a confident knitter, I only started a while ago and learned off YouTube, my Mum was a fantastic knitter and dressmaker, I love dressmaking but it's nice to sit in the livingroom and knit in the evenings, I don't think 5.30am qualifies as evening now.
This has been quite a personal blog entry but I thought I'd put it down in writing because I would be lying to myself if I didn't remind myself when I read it back in the future of how the little acts people did or didn't do really affected me and how I'm learning to put aside feelings of disappointment and worthlessness and move on, but am taking great comfort from the people who really matter and have make me feel loved. That is priceless, and they are and always will be priceless to me.
Stop this ride...I want to get off!!!
