We spent Saturday traveling to our daughters and her partner and helping them sort things out and un packing boxes. We got fish and chips and sat on deck chairs for the evening in their living room, but it was so lovely being with them. I just had this niggling doubt about that last MRI scan and if it would throw anything up, I hadn't said anything to my daughters, but there was the slightest doubt about my liver. Not a great nights sleep.
Sunday morning was spent in B&Q and getting essentials for their new home, then we went to the local shopping centre to get some more bits, but I couldn't help feeling like I was on the outside looking in again. Sometimes for a few seconds I forget, then it hits me that it's real, it was so busy at the shops, everyone was Christmas shopping, I wanted to enjoy it but it made me feel sad. My husband and daughters partner went back to the house and left me and daughter to look at baby things and get something for dinner. We got a call from them a couple of hours later to say they were locked out and did we have a key? No we didn't have a key, so the locksmith was called out on a Sunday, oh dear. We got back to the house, it was cold and dark by now, the dogs were inside wondering what was going on, after an hour of sitting in the car a very dodgy locksmith turned up, no ID, not even a torch, just a crowbar thingy. He said he would have to drill the lock and put a new one in, and told us the cost but my husband knew how much the new barrels were, he was definitely trying to rip us off, after a few questions I think he knew we were on to him and he managed suddenly to get the door open! So we were in, so I went to let the dogs out, but the side gate had been left open and my little dog went missing, in the dark, somewhere where he was unfamiliar. I was shaking as I was running up and down the road shouting out to him, at that point I just wanted to give up and cry, my legs were shaking, I honestly thought things could not get any worse. My daughter found him stuck in a neighbours garden, he couldn't find his way back, what a huge relief!
I felt absolutely shattered after all that, I just wanted to get into bed all nice and warm and sleep for a week, but it was a deck chair evening again, but I was filled with a sense of relief that my little dog was back and we'd got back into the house.
On Monday me and my daughter had to go back to the shops to get some food and an ironing board, while there I saw a missed call on my phone, 'unknown number' well that was it, my hands were shaking, my heart thumping...I just knew it was the scan results (although I was told I'd get them Friday) I walked around in a dream, trying not to let my daughter see how scared I was. So many many times I've felt this in the last two and a half weeks. I need to stop thinking the worst. An hour later while I was queuing the phone rang again, 'unknown number' I had no option but to answer, it was indeed the breast care nurse, she asked if I could talk and my date of birth, and then she told me the results were back, and that they were clear! Well I couldn't believe it, I started shaking all over again, it took a while for it to sink in that all the scan results were clear, then she said I would be starting chemotherapy on Friday, with an appointment at the hospital on Wednesday, I just want to get on with it now. Of course it meant that we would be going home in the morning, but to get the treatment started is a good thing. I felt relieved. I cried when I told my daughter about the scan results, and she cried too.
We had a quiet evening after clearing up all the decorating mess, my brother managed to upset me when he phoned me, he'd been drinking and can speak before he thinks. After calming down we went to bed fairly early.
Tuesday morning and I woke up at 3.30am, no chance of getting back to sleep, it seems that if I get good news I just start to worry about what could go wrong at the next stage, so I don't enjoy the good news for long. I must stop doing this to myself.
Got up and packed the car up, and said a hard goodbye to my daughter with a lump in my throat trying not to cry, a long trip home and spent most of it in a haze worrying, how do I stop this worrying.
I'm sat here this evening wishing it was Friday and the chemo had started. That's it, this rollercoaster continues, hoping things will settle down after Friday.
Stop this ride...I want to get off.
