Wednesday 8th February.
It's been a strange week, after the first dose of T chemo last Tuesday I thought I was doing well until the side effects hit on Thursday evening, I thought by Saturday evening that all was ok and that things were settling down, I was wrong.
Hubby had suggested going to see our grandson and daughter and partner for a few days which I was so looking forward to when I went to bed Saturday night. I didn't sleep much due to hot flushes keeping me awake so I suppose when I got up I wasn't in the best frame of mind, I just kept thinking that what if something goes wrong while I'm away, the whole cancer thing wouldn't leave my head. My husband asked me what was bothering me, to which I replied "actually dieing is bothering me" I wish I hadn't said it but it was true, I told him I would just dearly love to have one day of no worries, just one day of my life before. I desperately want to see my daughter and grandson, but it reminds me of everything I could lose and I can't put that feeling across to people.
We packed up our bits and headed off, I tried to be happy but it was an effort and it was a long journey, I wasn't feeling brilliant either, just before arriving at our daughters I started to cry, songs on the radio bringing back memories set me off. I cried when we arrived which worried her, as she thought I was keeping bad news from her, then I was cross with myself for upsetting her, but I just couldn't help it. Sunday evening was lovely in the end though, I was given a beautiful photo album and acrylic photos of the baby, of course that made me cry again...
To cut a long story short we had a lovely time, hubby doing odd jobs again, me cooking and baby cuddling, bathing etc, it was bliss.
We went to the shops Monday afternoon, but I think it was the wrong thing to do, it was extremely cold out and I was struggling, luckily we were only out for an hour, but my temperature went low, I just couldn't get warm so when we got back I went to bed to warm up, it took me ages to get warm, then my temperature was high. Tuesday morning it was still a bit high so I kept an eye on it all day as I had a headache too and sore throat, by the evening it was borderline at the danger point so we decided to cut the trip short and head home. We couldn't risk being stuck in Hertfordshire with me on a drip in hospital for three days with holiday makers arriving on Friday in Wales, so after packing up and a rushed tearful goodbye we left. We got home at 11.30pm. By then my temperature was down a little bit thankfully. By morning it was back to normal. So maybe I could've had another day and a half there.
So I have learned that for the last two chemo sessions of T I won't plan anything for the week after the chemo, I will accept that I won't have the energy to do much, I'll have a throat that feels raw, a tongue that completely sheds its skin and I will be emotionally all over the place. Oh and sore fingers too and achey bones. The FEC chemo was a doddle in comparison for me.
But it's only 5 weeks until the last one , I can do it. I have to. After that a whole new set of things to deal with, but I'll deal with it at the time. I need to get through this last bit. This last week has been the hardest since the start of the chemo for me by far.
Today has been so much better physically and mentally, I've got quite a lot done at home so things are looking up. I'll make the most of the next two weeks before the next session.
Stop this ride...I want to get off!!!
