Saturday 7th January.
I am sitting in bed writing this blog, absolutely shattered, I only got two hours sleep last night as my husband and his friend got back from their 'couple of drinks' last night, or should I say this morning at 1am. I was so pleased he went out as he's been amazing lately, and really deserved a night out, but I sat up waiting to see if they needed me to collect them as we live a little way from our local town and the taxi service isn't great, by half past midnight I gave up and went to bed, of course they came in just as I was getting to sleep. Then his friend who slept in the downstairs bedroom coughed and snored all night! I did get my revenge though at 7am when I got up and put the radio on, I felt a bit mean, but he knows my wicked sense of humour.
Today has been a long day, husband with a hangover, weather gloomy and my daughter having contractions on and off all day, all I wanted was to be with her, just a simple normal thing but impossible as I need to be here Monday and Tuesday and she lives too far away to get there and back. I feel so angry and upset, it's not just me this cancer affects, it's my daughters and husband, I can't put into words how sad I feel tonight. Every time they message and send a photo it's breaking my heart, I've had photos of her sat in the delivery suite, video messages, its lovely and they are doing their best to make me feel 'there' as much as they can, but I just want to cry. I will never be able to be there with her at the birth of her first child, I can never get that back and I know people mean well when they say that going through this treatment means I will have a future with them, but right now it's not helping as even that's not a certainty, nothing is certain in my life, all the plans I make end up falling apart, and eventhe little plans I do dare make now I worry about something going wrong.
I am so, so grateful to be able to have treatment, and the medical team are wonderful and encouraging but wouldn't it have been so lovely if this whole mess hadn't happened. Wonderful for my family.
Anyway I'm going to try to read a book to pass some time and hope for some good news, I'm just feeling sorry for myself tonight, and I'm verybcross with myself for feeling like this but I'm sure that after my chemotherapy session on Tuesday when we are driving to visit and stay with her I will feel very very happy. Roll on Tuesday/Wednesday, it's not far away now. Surely that little plan won't get spoiled.
Stop this ride ... I want to get off!!!
