The lazy Sunday I never wanted.

2 minute read time.

27 Nov 2016

Sunday 27 th November 2016.

Today was a strange day, I got up feeling ok, actually I was awake at 4.30 am but got up at 7am. Did the temperature, tablets and let the dogs out, gave them breakfast, all the usual things, had a shower and then couldn't get the thought out of my mind that my throat is still all red on one side when I look and a little sore, the chemo nurse insisted that any sign at all of infection over the weekend I must phone the chemo help line, she said they'd rather sort out a problem before it escalates to something awful, which it can do rather quickly.

I just didn't want to so it, really, really didn't want to. The thought of doing that drive again and spoiling Sunday for my husband was upsetting me. I told my husband and he insisted that I phoned the help line.

I got a call back from the chemo help line and after asking a few questions she put me through to someone else who asked more questions and they told me to phone my out of hours GP. The out of hours G P asked me a few questions and said it seems safe to leave it till Monday if my condition didn't deteriorate, as I didn't have a temperature or felt otherwise unwell. The chemo help line said they'd get one of the nurses to call me in the morning to check on me.

I just feel like such a failure, two days into chemo and I'm already on the phone...this is really not like me at all! I am angry with myself. I've got that feeling again today that my horizons are closing in on me.

So that's it, I got some knitting out that I'd planned to do for my grandson when he arrives and did that, all day, to try to take my mind off things. It worked to a certain extent, but I felt sad that the last little jumper I knit him, I was so excited about being at the hospital when my daughter goes to have him, that dream has been smashed to smitherines, taking a few more along the way. Then my husband took the dogs out on his own, that dosen't often happens, we almost always walk them together, that brought a lump to my throat, that red throat, the one that stopped me going out with them.

So I'm sitting here Sunday evening wondering what tomorrow will bring, two choices I think, another hospital trip or a day of ironing... Life sucks right now.

I have been thinking lately that if I hadn't had children, this whole mess would be so much easier to deal with mentally. I lost my Mum when I was 40, and it changed me forever, I felt robbed of all the best bit to come with her. I can't bear the thought of my two going through that so young, if the worst comes to the worst, they are young women now, but still so much younger than I was.

Time marches on and I'm going to 'watch' some tv. I suppose it will be Christmas adverts all the way, just wait till the Christmas songs come on the radio, and normally I have the damn radio on from 7am till I've cooked the dinner.

Stop this ride....I want to get off.

JMC04 over 8 years ago

Hi Dee,

I thought I'd replied earlier, but I can't see it, there might be two replies, you made me giggle about someone coming to the front door!

My Dad says when he goes to bed that when he's taken out his hearing aids, teeth, glasses off, there's not much to put on the pillow.

I was wondering the other day if my grandson would have more hair than me when we first meet, both of my daughters had so much hair when they were born! They looked so funny next to the shiny headed babies, and now I'll have a shiny head soon.

I'm sure this grandson will bring me joy like yours bring you, I'm so excited, at least we can 'face time' now. Well I need to get the hang of it, but it will good to be able to see them all on the iPad screen when he's born at Christmas time, they can just pop 'me' on a shelf in the room and I can watch them all together.

it's nice to hear from someone else who has had the same treatment. Sometimes I can't help thinking that I wish I'd had the mastectomy first, so I wouldn't have to look at this huge lump, but I know after having it all explained that this is the best way forward for me. I'm just impatient to see it gone, one way or another. I need to have a little more faith and belief in the experts who know what they are talking about and not let my imagination run riot. Let's face it, that s**t and crap they injected into me must be doing something.

Thanks again Dee for Making me smile, and easing my worries a little.

Time for sleep now.

Goodnight and sending love back to you. Xxx
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FormerMember over 8 years ago

Hi JMC,

Bless you,i know what you mean about knowing its still there, I felt the same,everytime I looked at betty boob I kept thinking I know your shrinking but you.re still there,i remember often telling it "Don.t get to comfy you little squatters because your eviction notice is being served,you will be kept informed how much it has shrunk, I saw my onco before every chemo and being told gives you a little boost.

If its any consolation I look like Uncle Fester from the Adams Family with no hair,i shaved mine two weeks after first chemo it was starting to come out so I took control it was a good feeling something I was controlling rather than my cancer,also my hair started to grow back when I was on taxotere and Herceptin.

Remember my friend like I did that if I chemo was making me feel bad then what must it be doing to my tumours.

Keep smiling that precious little bundle will be here soon.

Love and Hugs

Dee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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JMC04 over 8 years ago

Hi Again Dee,

I've been talking to my 'lump' too. Same sort of thing as you, and I was thinking of just shaving off my hair, i don't want the waiting around for it to fall out. Like you said at least you're in control of it, and I might as well get used to it now. But when I actually think of doing it I get tearful. I have too much hair to play around with the wig at the moment, so it would make it easier.

Time to see if I can get some sleep.

Thanks for your kindness Dee.

Hugs to you. Xxx
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