Today has been a strange day, I feel physically absolutely fine, especially as I only got 3 and 1/2 hours sleep last night, decided to get out of bed at 7.30am after being awake for hours, took temperature, it was normal, had breakfast and took the tablets. I just kept thinking, did that really happen yesterday, did they pump me full of s**t and poison as the chemo nurse put it, and I feel ok this morning?
I had a shower and then went to get a wig, very nice too, I was sat in the wig ladies chair, looking at all these heads of hair with no faces and beautiful scarves, it didn't seem real, she was so understanding and chose me a beautiful wig,the hair I would love in 'real life' how my haircut should've been. Its not too different, just as I had it a year ago, but never got it back like that. I also chose a little hat and a velcro fringe to go with it, that made me smile, I said to my husband someone should make a fringe for a hat, and they do, God bless them, and I chose a pretty scarf to go with said hat/fringe and came away happy/sad. She chose me a synthetic wig, I couldn't believe it wasn't real hair, she said as my treatment was 18 weeks then that would be sufficient, real hair wigs take a lot of looking after and cost a fortune. Anyway I was in love with the one she'd chosen so decision was made. I couldn't help thinking about the 18 weeks and hoping she was right.
At home I put it away in the drawer, knowing that it wouldn't be long until it would sitting on my head for real. It was one thing sitting in her chair with just her and hubby, but going out in it? Well that was a sobering thought and another reality check. I'll just have to 'suck it up' as the youngsters say.
I went crazy with the housework in the afternoon, catching up with the jobs I'd been neglecting all week, the steroids must be working overtime. All afternoon I was getting updates and photos of my daughters living room as she was decorating, the wood floor was laid just in time for the delivery of the sofas, they worked so hard all week, her and her partner. We should have been with them...that was the plan, it really wasn't supposed to be like this.
My other daughter is busy crafting glass and metal decorations sending me photos too, they are for this Christmas, for the one that I probably won't be able to be with them, my heart is breaking right now. I can cope with us being away from them for christmas, but I just feel so,so rotten for spoiling it for everyone, But I'm just grateful that I am getting this chance with treatment to have other Christmases with them, so it's a small sacrifice in the grand plan.
Although physically I am feeling fine, mentally I am broken into pieces, I don't know if I will ever be the same person again. Even if i get through this, will I ever be carefree again? Right now I don't think so.
I have a dreadful feeling I am going to see my first grand child on a photo on the phone for the first time, that saddens me so much that I want to cry, my next chemo falls 9 days before Christmas so Christmas falls slap bang on the week during the chemo cycle I shouldn't go out and be in crowds because I'll have little or no immunity then. She lives 5 and 1/2 from the hospital I use, if I get an infection and use her nearest hospital, it won't be ideal, any how it'll be an automatic 3 day hospital stay on a drip with antibiotics from what I was told yesterday. I don't want to risk spoiling everyone's Christmas. Its one bombshell after another, but all I can say is that every time I hit a rock bottom, I just keep carrying on like you do, its like I have to pay for something nice thats happened...like keeping the bank account balanced, nothing in the savings, just struggling to keep out of the red emotionally.
I am sitting here, feeling like I have a bit of a sore throat starting, Jesus, it's Saturday night, the chemo nurse said any tiny sign of infection, etc etc, you've got to phone the out of hours chemo help line over the weekend I'm thinking it's just because i'm tired out and emotional, I'll sit a while and try to switch off, see what happens. I just took my temperature though and its fine.
The last thing we need right now is a 50 min drive to the hospital and then 50 mins back for the fourth time this week. Hubbys having a well deserved beer anyhow, he's been working hard all day and needs to relax tonight. I just feel like my body is slowly breaking down on me I can feel it happening and its out of my control, everything is out of my control. I know there are so,so many people worse off than me, that makes me feel so selfish. I'm putting this morose mood down to chemo drugs.
Oh what I'd give for a mental break...lets hope tomorrow is a better day, perhaps a nice dog walk will lift my mood. I'm hoping this blog will take a lighter turn soon, anybody who knows me would say I'm always upbeat, the one who looks at the best in any situation, they think I'm ok, that I'm coping, well I suppose I am, but just not in the way they would imagine.
I'm going to close this now, I don't suppose anyone has read this far, I'm kind of thinking that maybe I should've done a paper diary, now, but I didn't want anyone close to me to find it laying around, it would shock them to know what is really going on in my head, anyway it did make me feel better slamming about on the keyboard for a bit, one day I hope to be able to read this and get some comfort that things did eventually get better. Oh joy of joys, I have to phone my brother about my dad, better do it quick before he gets hold of the wine bottle! I'm going to be brave and press the post button, probably shouldn't but it took a lot of effort to type it all out, plus as I said its for future reference, so apologies for my ramblings, if you've read this far, al ther is left to say is the usual...
Please, please stop this ride...I want to get off!
