Well today has been a much better day, it really wouldn’t have taken much for that to happen though. Yesterday was one of those days that I don’t think I could take too many of without completely breaking down.
Last night I spent quite a while writing hubby a letter and I gave it to him this morning, it was a very long letter explaining how I felt, I put everything down in detail, I wrote it when I was very tired, I suppose I began writing it to get things off my mind, with no intention of giving it to him, but then I decided it would be a good idea to actually give it to him as everything I’d written down was exactly what I’d like to say if I could, with no tears from me and no interruptions.
It was hard to give it to him, but I made myself do it because I knew for my own sanity I had to let him know exactly how I felt. Right then, that morning, before the moment went. I knew if I didn’t tell him I’d be carrying it all around inside my head and it wouldn’t be long until I had another one of those bad days.
So he read the letter, really read it properly, then he cried, he apologised and we hugged. He said he loved me, and I said I loved him...and I meant it, and I know he meant it too, but how do I know he meant it? Because I gave him the chance to walk away, with my blessing, and he was so shocked that I’d even suggested that he might want to.
What was in the letter? I won’t go into too much detail but at the same time I also want to be honest.
I told him that I cried a lot, that I was a good actor, and he doesn’t know how much I cry, I can cry in the strangest places, I told him that I feel like I’ve been broken into a million pieces and fixed back together all wrong.
I told him that I get tired, but that I still try to carry on as I did before, because if I can then it’ll be like the cancer never happened, I told him that I struggle to get through some days and that I feel scared, that I feel like him and my daughters are on a parallel path to me, someone put me on a different path to them and I’m scared my path will run out and they’ll keep going and lose sight of me.
I told him that I feel I’m in my own bubble sometimes and it’s a lonely place, I told him I was disappointed that he didn’t read an information booklet I left out for him to read, the one I was given about the long term affects of cancer treatment, I told him if it was him with cancer I’d be reading everything I could about it so that I would understand.
I told him I hadn’t felt attractive for over a year and that I felt unloveable, I told him that I could understand how he wouldn’t find me attractive anymore.
Then I told him that I would understand if he wanted to walk away, he could go with my blessing and leave all of this uncertainty behind, I know I have changed and that he didn’t sign up for any of this. I just want him to be happy.
There were some other parts to the letter, more private but that’s the general tone of it.
So after a very good long chat after reading my letter we seem to be back on the same wavelength now. In fact I think we should have had this chat a while ago, I’ve been as much at fault as him in keeping everything bottled up and trying to carry on as normal. Now he understands me and I understand that I need to tell him how I feel, so from now on every day I’m going to try my best to be honest with him, after all he’s not a mind reader. We just need a little reminder sometimes that we need to talk, and to listen properly to what is being said.
Time to move on now and try my hardest to make the most of every day, 2018 is fast approaching and I’m going to think of some new year resolutions to make this coming year a good one for me and my family. I don’t normally do new year resolutions but this year I am going to give it a try.
So that’s it, the calm after the storm.
