Sunday 4th December
Today has been a nice day so far. Woke up far too early for a Sunday though.
I'm sat here doing this blog after a lovely walk on the beach, it was freezing cold, I put two pairs of trousers on and really wrapped up.
Our friends met up with us on the beach while we walked the dogs, that was so lovely. It was good to chat about normal things. We couldn't go in the cafes etc because of infection risk so we sat in the pub garden looking out to the sea, it was beautiful, the sea was deep blue, hardly a cloud in the sky, and you could see the mountains and coast line for miles away in the distance. Hubby had a beer so I knew he'd be snoring on the sofa when soon after we got back, which he is doing right now.
We got our sea food platter and sat on the harbour wall and watched the boats bobbing around and a couple of paddle boarders. Another little walk on the beach with the dogs and then we said our goodbyes and headed home. We turned down their offer of going back to theirs for coffee, normally we would have, but not today. I was just pleased to get back and get warm and comfortable in my 'afternoon' chair as I'm becoming to think of it.
So we have a film on the telly, fire on, tired dogs and I'm warm.
But how do I really feel today?
I do definitely feel like I'm moving forward and I do feel better.
But I also feel sad.
I feel sad that the last time I went to that beach I was carefree, I feel sad that our friends we met with who have just moved to the area and are so excited about the beaches and slower pace of life here, we were supposed to be spending more time with them, doing what we did today without worrying about catching viruses and having to sit outside.
I feel sad that I was scared to eat ice cream today, and so stood outside the ice cream parlour with the dogs freezing while they ordered their treats all chatty and happy. I wanted to be in there with them so very much.
I feel sad that I am worried about this cancer spreading when I have had clear scan results, so far, but I suppose it's normal to feel that every niggle is something bad. Why can't I relax? Sometimes when I do think about it, I can feel how tense my muscles are without realising, and then I make myself un tense.
I feel sad that I can't be like my husband and fall asleep in the afternoon in front of the tv anymore.
I feel sad that I can't enjoy a glass of wine. I haven't had a drink in over a month and I don't desire one, but I used to enjoy a couple on Friday evening , Saturday evening and a sherry on Sunday. The chemo nurse said to enjoy an occasional alcoholic drink, it won't effect the treatment, but I just can't, it scares me, so what's the point.
I feel sad that I am sacred of eating cake, I make cake and treats for my husband but I don't eat them, I am scared of sugar, this is crazy because I never buy sugar other than for baking with. We have a very healthy diet, don't eat meat, but do eat fish, loads of vegetables, fruit, the usual. But I did enjoy the occasional treat, and now that has stopped.
I just feel sad today that I feel sad, when essentially it's been a nice day.
But sad is ok, because it's not that all consuming fear and desperate out of control feeling of last month, it's not feeling like I want to press the self destruct button because I'm so tired that I can't think straight. So it is quite a step up the ladder, and I need to keep reminding myself of that, at least I can cope with sad.
So I will now try to stop this sad feeling by doing something else, I'm going to finish the jumper for my grandson, and think of the time when I can be with him and put it on him. Later I am going to phone my daughters. I am going to take deep breaths and tell myself yet again that everything will be ok.
This will get better... this blog, but right now I have to put down my feelings honestly because I will read again it one day. I do wonder if I should've done it on paper instead, totally out of character to do it on line, but I'm too lazy to go back and copy it all down now, plus I'm really not ready to read it. So again, apologies if you are reading this. I don't intend to make anyone sad. I always wonder every time I write the blog if I should press the post button, but I keep doing it anyway.
Stop this ride...I want to get off!!!
