Well I’ve been awake for an hour after only two hours sleep so decided to have a little blog session and what a lovely surprise I got when I read the lovely comments under my last blog post, it appears that I’m not the only one who feels the way I do. Thank you lovely ladies for your kind words they meant a lot, they really did.
I’ve had a very trying couple of days BUT I did have a heart to heart with my husband and told him exactly how I’ve been struggling trying carry on as I was before and he understands now and has told me to be honest with him when I feel tired and emotional, I felt much better after our chat, I just need to keep reminding myself not to slip into my old ways and as LondonLass says ‘I’m not superwoman ‘ Ive never liked superhero films anyway ;-J
Yesterday was a hard day, really difficult as my lovely friend and neighbour is moving, I’m going to miss her so much, she’s been a huge support to me over the last year, she had bc eight years ago and sadly it’s returned in the liver so she’s starting with the treatment again at the same time as moving house and everything that goes with it but it’s a relief that she will be living near her daughter now when she’s going through treatment again, she’s so kind and gentle, I just feel so sad for her, this should be a happy time but it’s been filled with hospital visits, tests and so much worry.
I’ve been spending as much time as I can with her, we’ve had a few tears but also a lot of laughs too and we will be visiting and staying in touch. Last night was her leaving get together with all of the neighbours together, everyone was happy and chatty, me too as I was desperate for her to enjoy the evening, but inside I just felt so mixed up. I just feel like none of this is real sometimes because how and why is life so cruel, why do some people have so much heartache to bear in life and others sail through it with hardly a care. It’s just not bloody fair.
I’ve also been getting grief from a member of my husbands family, it’s happened on and off for years, and not just directed at me, I’m not going into detail, but yesterday Id had enough, I found myself in tears for the third time in one day over the meanness of it all so I politely asked her not to contact me again. I decided I wouldn’t waste any more energy worrying and getting upset. I just want a quiet life.
It was extremely hard to do that, and I know it will make things awkward at family gatherings, but for once in my life I actually stood up for myself. I would like to say I feel better for it but I don’t really. Perhaps in time I will but right now I’m feeling mixed up. I would like to be dropped off on a desert island, obviously a nice one with everything I need like cake, chocolate and a comfy bed etc and be left there for a while until I feel stronger.
So today I will get up after a couple of hours sleep and pack up and go to my daughters, I feel physically and mentally shattered, I’m so tired I can hardly think straight but I need a change of scene, and I’m looking forward to seeing my daughter and her partner and my grandson so much, I just wish with all my heart that I had more energy, but that’s life and I’ll try to have a sleep on the journey, I don’t normally do that but I’m trying to be kinder to myself now, little steps at a time.
Right, I’m going to close this now and see if I can get a little more shut eye now before I have to get up.
