Monday 28 November 2016.
Another funny old day, the chemo nurse phoned at 9am to see how I was, I told her I felt fine and that the throat was feeling a bit better, just a slight dry cough, was advised to get some antiseptic lozenges, and phone back if it gets worse.
So I went to the shops, got some lozenges and some knitting wool, I felt sad in the shop, last time I was in there I was so happy and excited about knitting a baby jumper.
I'm more of a sewing person ,I love sewing but never get time now, I've made bridesmaids dresses, done upholstery, but my mum was the knitter and she was fantastic, She could knit while watching tv and produce these amazing Aron jumpers or anything you wanted her to make.
I thought it was time I had ago. I found her bag of knitting needles a few weeks ago when I was visiting my Dad, as I opened the bag I was struck with this strange feeling, she was the last person to touch these needles and wool, just over ten years ago, all so neatly packed away. I found a half finished sleeve from a jumper she was making for my daughter. I cannot explain how empty and sad I felt because there are no words that could even come close. I would just have to learn to knit by YouTube. How sad I felt about that.
After a quick trip to the supermarket, Christmas everywhere, me trying to ignore it. I went home, had a quick lunch and started ironing. Put the TV on and couldn't find anything to watch. I didn't feel too great so took my temperature, it was 35.1 it says if it drops below 35 to phone the hospital, it was 36.2 this morning. It was too close for my liking so I packed up the ironing and went to bed, another dog walk missed.
I just laid in bed and tried to believe what the oncologist told me, that they are going for curative treatment. I kept thinking that over and over again. I think it's hard having the chemo first as I am still walking around with this lump which is uncomfortable sometimes. It makes it so hard to believe, especially as I'd had the all clear not that long ago. And it's all such fragile thing. I must have faith and think of next Christmas and making up for all this mayhem. But nothing will make up for the fact that we will have missed our first grandchild being born at Christmas and his first few weeks, because of how my chemo dates fall we just can't go. I seem to be spoiling so many things lately for everyone.
After a lay down my temperature went up a degree, so that was a good thing but it was probably because I tried my wig on and thought I looked like Tina Turner! What was I thinking? I'm sure it won't look so 'big' when my hair falls out. It looked lovely on Saturday!
I just don't want to get obsessed by all of this, when this niggly cough clears I will feel better about things. I cooked dinner as hubbys been so good cooking lately I thought it was my turn. He's been busy sorting a couple of problems out with our business, electrical and water... not good, bad news comes in threes as they say. I know he is trying not to show how stressed he is about it, we need the business to work as it's our only income.
I just made simple food for dinner , food to me is a fuel right now, I don't enjoy it at all, I force it down because I need to. But at least I can do it, and I am grateful for that.
Plus point to end, I'm sitting in front of the log burner, all warm, the cat is in the dogs bed, one dog is in the cats bed, the other dog is on hubbys lap because I'm typing. Things could be worse. Much worse.
Stop this ride...I want to get off.
