Saturday 5th, I woke up at 4am, the first two seconds were bliss, then the awful realisation that something awful was going on, my stomach flipped over as I remembered it was me and that this was bad...really bad.
Nobody to talk to at that hour. So the only thing to do was to google, I googled and googled but couldn't find the answer I wanted and needed.
My daughter and partner, were staying so I didn't want to make get up and make a noise, so I just laid there thinking the worst. It was a long day, I made a birthday cake, as its my daughters partners birthday tomorrow. It was ok, but I've made better, we made homemade pizza and had that for lunch.
We had planned to go to a firework display near us which is held on the beach and cliffs, so we left early as its difficult to get there and limited parking, when we did get there it had been cancelled due to high winds, but we had a beautiful walk on the beach anyway, then went back to our local town to the display there, it was really good. After the display we had fish and chips in the local chippy restaurant. It was lovely and warm, I just wanted to go to sleep while sitting there, it was so nice being with my daughter and her partner and my husband, just doing nothing in particular, I felt content, but this diagnosis is sucking the joy out of everything I do. I need to get control of my feelings.
Back home to watch some more home movies, then bed, managed four hours sleep.
Sunday - Thursday
Sunday was a bitch of a day, my daughter and partner went home, I didn't want to cry, but I just couldn't help it, It was terrible and I felt wretched for breaking down. Me and the hubby took the dogs for a walk and had a chat as it was the first time we'd been alone since the diagnosis, but I didn't really know how to talk about it. The icing on the cake came when my brother phoned to ask if he could come and stay with me as he thinks his marriage is over, of course I said he could, but I really could do without it. Its not the first time he's asked, he hasn't actually turned up yet, so I'm hoping this is the normal flash in the pan argument he has occasionally.
I have really put the cat amoungst the pigeons, all our plans for the next few weeks are cancelled, we work so hard all year in the business, by November we are ready for a break, we had plans to visit family and friends as we usually do this time of year, it wasn't supposed to be like this. Stop this ride...I want to get off.
Tuesday, 4.15am awake, the best two seconds of the day before reality sinks in, am I really looking forwards to two seconds so much? Regret floods my body, why didn't I go back sooner, I shouldn't have taken any notice of that remark about the left breast not being a concern. Its too late now, this is real and it's happening to me right now. This was supposed to be the time in my life when things get easy, we have always worked so hard, long hours, taken chances, I can't help feeling it's all been for nothing, it's going to be snatched away from me at the final hurdle. I go onto the macmillan site until I get up, it is such a comfort to me and a huge surprise that this site make everything bearable. I am so grateful, I cant put it into words.
We had to take one of the dogs to the vets with an ear infection, always amusing as it usually takes three people to hold him to examine him, he's only small, and generally scared of everything, but show him the vets table and he changes into something else. They are ready for him now, the muzzle comes out and the extra help comes in.
Wednesday was pre op assessment day, met up with my breast care nurse, she was lovely, I felt a glimmer of hope, but more importantly she made my husband feel a bit better, I was pleased about that. The pre op assessment was a doddle, apparently I am fit for my age, perfect BMI, lung capacity, kidney function good, liver, blah blah blah, how ironic is that? I've always been careful, don't eat meat, never smoked, excersised regularly, in fact a month ago I did a 5km park run with my daughter, not much slower than her (she's fit) then a 15 mile bike ride. How can this be?
Thursday, up at 4.30am, travel to see younger daughter to make the most of the few days between appointments and before the op. Hubby is fitting half a kitchen for her in the next few days would've been the whole kitchen if I hadn't gone and spoiled things. These few days were very, very hard. I feel that I fell out of the tree of despair and smacked every branch on the way down, my brother phoned on Friday and made a comment that absolutely crushed me. I was so upset I walked the dogs on my own, it was dark thankfully so nobody could see my tears. I just sat on the park bench and sobbed, thinking of a few weeks before when we were all laughing in that very spot. Then we had to go out for a family meal, I felt sick to my stomach, every mouthful was like swallowing sawdust, every smile was planned, I just wanted to be on my own. Just stop this ride, please, I want to get off!
It's Sunday evening and I'm siting here again typing out this blog, everybody is all tucked up in bed nice and warm sleeping. its been a strange day, I felt very down, don't really want to talk to anybody, I have quite a lot of pain under the cyst and I am terrified that this tumour is growing, and there is not a thing I can do about it. My life is in somebody else's hands. That's a strange thought, I don't even know them, and they don't know me. Everyone has been very jolly tonight, watching TV, a typical Sunday evening. They are all pleased with the kitchen, it does look very smart, my husband has worked wonders the last four days. Me on the other hand, well I've been fighting back the tears, trying to join in and look normal. I have been thinking awfully dark thoughts, I hit rock bottom again, quietly, but I suppose the only way is up from there. I'm going hit the post button soon, I'm up to date now with this blog, so thats good. I apologise if I've repeated things, my head is very tired, if only I could stop this ride, because I really want to get off.
