This is the third time I've written this blog today...I keep losing it.
Yesterday was such a horrendous day that I didn't think it could be topped, but boy did Thursday beat Wednesday by a long chalk.
It started as an ordinary Thursday, bin day in our house, I was thinking how strange life is that Wednesday which was such a long awful scary day could be followed by such an ordinary Thursday, bin day, how is that possible?
Boy was I wrong.
After talking to my breast care nurse twice on the phone in the last ten days to voice my concerns about the rate at which this lump is growing, and the pain she said there was nothing they could to until the operation, she had said they were discussing my case on Thursday before the operation. Well call me psychic, but I thought to myself this morning, she's going to call me this afternoon and tell me the scans have shown its spread and they can't do anything for me, no point having the operation.
Guess what, I was feeling optimistic as the day stretched on. I thought I was thinking silly thoughts earlier, of course they'll operate.
I'd cleared up, said 'hello' to the Hoover after its mini break over the last few days, and I'd made my husband flapjack, as a small thanks for being there for me, it's not much, but it was all I could manage to come up with. I hope he doesn't break his teeth on it though!
I even treated myself to a lazy couple of hours watching daytime tv. Anyone who knows me would tell you I never sit down during the day, ever, I'm always on the go.
Then just when I thought ok maybe, just maybe the scans were clear, the phone rang...
You've guessed it, the breastcare nurse asked me to come and see her tomorrow morning to discuss my scans, this was not planned and does not sound promising at all, she definitely had a sad voice, and wouldn't give anything away. Life is a bitch.I really feel like I am trying to balance in the wind and every time I stand up straight another gust comes along to try to take me down.
I did something I never thought I would, I've been brought up to get on with things and I don't panic easily, I phoned Macmillan help line. I wanted them to tell me it would be ok, but deep down I knew they couldn't do that, but it did help me stay calm.
My husband and I had a big hug, and that was it really, the silent realisation that things can't really get much worse.
So, l have prepared myself for the bad news, and will take what's thrown at me. I haven't cried, I don't feel anything anymore, I just want this whole thing done with now. My emotions are shot to pieces,
I'm not afraid to die, no one gets out of this life alive, as the saying goes but I'm just so so terribly sad for my daughters and husband. Just when we were getting more time to spend with them. We were in the process of selling our little business to semi retire and move back to family. How cruel is that.
I could go on and on, but it's pointless, absolutely bloody pointless.
Nobody is going to stop this ride and let me get off, I get it now, message received and understood.
