I'm scared.

JM I hope you didn't catch a cold, you've been very brave and not long to go until you are in hospital. If It is bigger it's still coming out and you will see your daughter's at Christmas and you will see your grandson. I know it is difficult to be positive and think positive thoughts but it does work . Try to think about how much better you will be in the future and how you will overcome the cancer. Don't ever think of it as my tumour it is the , my = mine and the mind takes ownership. I was taught this by an NLP practitioner,think that every day in every way you will get better and better. Your health will improve and you are getting stronger and stronger and your health is improving. As I said in my blog I was terrified per surgery, having smoked for 45 years at the age of 57 they were going to collapse my right lung and the procedure took 7--9 hours. Fitness wise as Oscar Wilde said " whenever I feel the need for strenuous exercise I lie down until the notion passes by me." I was not exactly fit and had lost about 4 stones over the months before diagnosis and surgery. I'll bet your husband and family think you are amazing believe it! It's normal to have the feelings you are having close to having surgery, I also think that you are amazing and you will get through this girl! Believe believe believe.

Wishing you peace love and hugs and support. You will get through this.

Wow Zappaman,

That was just what I needed to hear right now. Thank you so much.

I didn't go to my daughter who has a cold, (daughter no1) we went to the younger one in Devon. Daughter no1 is the one who lives in London and works in a hospital operating theatre, she phoned me today and forbid me to go, I said Dad would go anyway and help her move, but she said no, just incase he catches the cold and passes it to me. She doesn't even want me to go anywhere near shops etc. Anyway I have my hand gel and detox aerosol spray, maybe when I go for my ct and bone scan I will get my husband to walk in front of me spraying as he goes and I can walk along in a cloud of pure sterile mist, and pretend to be the Queen. She also told me about the scans and what to expect. Its so hard for her, moving house and the baby being due soon.

I am back at home tucked up in bed with one of my little dogs right next to me and I have calmed down now.

How are you zappaman? It sounds like you are getting stronger, four stones is a hell of a lot to lose. Your wife must have been beside herself with worry. You have a very positive way of thinking, thats good to hear.

One thing I've learned from this site is that if the worst happens and it has spread, you still can have treatment that gives more time. Despite my brothers comment that 'its good or bad, there's no in between.' I have learned that there definitely is an in between, and lots of people live well there. Also I am lucky that I have my husband to come with me to appointments etc, and at the moment we have no work commitments. That can't go on for too long though, but long enough to get over the surgery, lots of people go through this on their own, or with small children, and have to hold down a job, that must be so, so hard.

Anyway I am going to try to get some shut eye, maybe with the help of a sleeping pill tonight.

Many,many thanks for your kind thoughts, I'm sending you a very grateful hug and good wishes.

I read your post and nearly cried for you, so I thought I'd give you my story to know you aren't alone and how I have dealt with it, so you know there is a future. I am a "40ish" year old man, in a professional job during the day and law enforcement in the UK at night and I had a huge change in my life 6 years ago when I decided to do what I do now, instead of sitting on my butt drinking beer to relax after the day job.

About 3 months after being accepted I was diagnosed with Penile cancer, its very rare and because men don't like to talk about these things and definatily not show anyone (Don't want to get arrested!!) i didn't mention it to my wife, who is a nurse and who has also had cancer (thyroid). As such by the time she noticed it, it had gone in Situ to stage 1. I had directly applied chemo (which was exceedingly painful) whilst doing my Physical Training, not telling anyone in case they threw me out. it didn't work and with it progressing again, the specialists told me the only way was a full penectomy.

I sat one night, nearly a full bottle of whiskey down, crying my eyes out. I'm 6ft, 16 stone and do a lot of weights and here I was crying over possibly losing one of the smallest bits of my body (see I can do humour as well). I remember my wife sitting down next to me and just watching me. I said "I don't think I can Handle this" and she said something that I tell everyone I meet, in the job and out of it "What's the alternative?". that was my moment, my lightbulb moment. I had 4 kids, a job, a sports car I loved.....don't forget the wife (hahaha)...and I loved just being here. I didn't have an alternative.

Now as an early 40's man with a lovely wife and active life I couldn't face that. It defines me as a man and I was actually considering just letting it progress and enjoy what time I had instead of the penectomy. However my wife talked me into a second opinion and I got one. The result was an extreme circumcision with....erm......more taken away (part of the head etc).

I was in extreme discomfort before the operation but afterwards........yipes! 

I now work from home in my day job, allowing me more time with my 2 year old Grandaughter and kids. I have had one promotion to Sergeant and have just passed my Inspectors board in the Special Constabulary. I have been back to the Docs today (5 years later) and I am still here. I still get pain and I still worry about the spread, as I went with the riskier option. But I am very active, infact I am out shortly with a new recruit, keeping people safe and all the time thinking how blessed I am.

Please don't be scared. You have so many people around you who love you. I have no faith other than that of myself but I get a warm feeling when I think of my friends and family and the support I have had. Like a huge warm invisible embrace of love.

I hope you can feel it because I'm lending you mine for a while to keep you warm and to comfort you. Send it back when you have recovered. Be positive and remember that hug when you need it! 

Tony.

Thank you Tony,

You have been through a hell of lot, your story is so inspiring, thanks for taking the time to share it with me. You have a very busy, fulfilling life by the sounds of it. Your family must be so very proud of you.

Every time someone comments on one of my posts its a lovely surprise and I feel a little less alone. My husband is being amazing, and my daughters too. I haven't told them how uncomfortable and large the lump has become as there is nothing can be done until surgery anyway. No point worrying them.

It's like there is parallel world out there with people coping with this awful disease in all its different forms. You know it's there, you see the posters, and the adverts, fund raising etc. But then boom!....you trip up and fall in, and you've joined the club. Just like that. Your life in someone else's hands, you don't even know them, and they don't know you.

When we were travelling back from Devon yesterday we had radio 2 on, there was a firefighter on the 'medical Monday' section of the show, he had penile cancer and was talking about it. I think he'd been operated on 3 years ago a very similar 'story' to you. My husband said 'I didn't know there was such a type of cancer' so its a good thing to make the men aware.

I think your wife said the right thing to you at the right time. In fact when I'm struggling from now on I will say to myself, "what's the alternative?" It's been hard, the realisation that I have no choice but to get on with this treatment, one stage at a time, I'm not thinking about the next bit, its one step at a time for me.

I really can't thank you enough for your kind thoughts, and for the lend of that warm embrace. I might just wear it out!