Here comes Christmas :(

I've just ordered a soup maker. I don't cook but I'm determined to eat healthily. It's strange that feeling that it isn't you that this is happening to. I get that feeling when I'm making plans for my absence fir the next 2 terms at school. Xx

Hi JM

I replied to your sunday blog,bless you,somedays are diamonds some days are stone.so cry when you need to and laugh when you can.

Rememeber we have our post dated tickets to get off this ride.

You are doing great.

When you go to bed tonight say...I am another day nearer to getting better.

 Love and hugs

Dee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi jojo,

My Aunty bought a soup maker, it's amazing, she just throws all the bits in, sets how thick she wants the soup and switches it on. That's it job done. I bet you'll love it.

I don't think I'd get away with another kitchen gadget.

Got to go, hubby putting a film on, I feel a bit more normal tonight.

Hope you get some sleep tonight. Xxx

JM, you are 100% correct it's a bit like watching a movie and you are in it and it's you that it's about. I remember a few days after the first diagnosis back in July it suddenly sunk in F**k this is real and it's ME that this story is about ! I cried myself on to the floor repeating to myself that I don't want to die ! The statistics were even worse for someone of my age with oesophageal cancer. After the CT scan any questions I asked were met with the stark reply of " No guarantees ". The only guarantee that I got was if I didn't go through the surgery I have 9-12 month's. After the PET scan my chances were better as it had only spread into a few lymph nodes. So, I was facing up to the situation that I had a life and death making decision to make and it was MY LIFE I had to make the decision about ! Boy did I have a lot of thinking to do I wish it was all a nightmare that I would wake up from. Even talking to the consultant , my wife and family, friends etc I still don't think I was taking it all in. So here I am talking with you almost 5 months since diagnosis, 7 weeks after surgery. You my dear friend have only had a few weeks since diagnosis and you are handling the situation very well. If you look at the blogs you started writing up to the present time you would see the positive steps you have taken in such a short time. How many posts have you replied to with a bit of advice, a word of encouragement. You have came a long way in a short time, and you will dust yourself down and get back up. What you are experiencing is perfectly normal so don't be angry with yourself. Talk to your loving husband about the decorations, if you don't feel up to doing them he might if you keep am eye on him! Don't be so harsh and judgemental on yourself, be kind to yourself. You are surrounded by people who love you who will understand the emotional rollercoaster you are on.

Take care and God bless you and your family.( Whoever your God may be )

It's weird isn't it zappaman, that feeling when you realise it's you they are talking about, and how the hell did I get into this mess?

I'm going to do our holiday accommodations decorations tomorrow and the Christmas cards too, I will feel better when that's done, my husband is going to do it with me, I'm so lucky really. I might even make some mince pies tomorrow!

We've decided to put up a few bits and pieces at home, make it look pretty (maybe not the tree though) because I don't want cancer to rob me of something else, it's taken my daughters away from me for the first time ever this year, and the chance to be there when my grandson is born, but I am going to fight for everything else along the way.

After my mum died and every year since my Dad won't do Christmas, not a thing, I don't blame him at all, but when I've visited him at that time of the year, it's awful, worse than ever, the house feels so empty, my mum would have hated that. I don't want to be like that. If we get people call in, I don't want them to feel awkward and like it's a sad house, because really it's not.

As my daughter said tonight, it won't be like this forever, but for now Mum you've just got to keep doing what you've got to do. And that's it in a nutshell, I've got to just keep doing it.

You've been through the mill zappaman, with everything, the awful eating problems, the huge operation and post operation problems, and yet you're here helping others, I admire you for that, I really do. Just to be able to eat is something we take for granted, I certainly appreciate it so much more after reading what you've been through, you are an inspiration to me. Really I don't know how I would be coping if it wasn't for this site, and people like you, it makes you realise that others are getting through it all bit by bit, so so can you.

Yours was the first post I saw when I joined Macmillan, I was even scared to join, so I must've been desperate. I'm quite private (I talk a lot on here, you'd never believe it) I thought if I join then it makes it all real, it was some time late in the evening but I got a welcome straight away, it was so heartwarming, like someone gave me a key to open the door to a place I could get help and understanding.

I can't read my blog though not yet, it would be like reading about someone else, but one day I will, and I will realise that I got through something horrific the best way I could, I fought for my life, and not only did my family and friends help me but 'strangers' helped me. If I knew what was coming a few months ago I wouldn't have thought I could stand the pressure, but I am standing it, we all are.

I'm going to try to get some sleep now.

Sending very grateful thanks and hugs to you and your family.