Thursday 5th January.
I didn't sleep well last night. The worry about today's appointment with my oncologist was playing on my mind. I got up early and took my temperature, it was fine so, first hurdle jumped.
After a very quiet morning (me being quiet conversation wise) we headed off to see my oncologist. We arrived in good time so I went straight in and left my husband to get the parking ticket and let the dogs have a leg stretch as it's a bit of a drive to get to the hospital.
I was doing fine considering I'd had a very tearful evening and sleepless night, fine until I walked into the waiting room, I couldn't decide which chair to sit on...the whole room was empty, just me, I didn't want to sit on an unlucky chair, I looked at the chairs that we sat in on the bad news day, decided not to sit on those ones, looked at the chairs that we sat on on the day after the evening phone call when they called me in to discuss the scans, decided they weren't all that bad really, but not good enough for today, then I sat in the chair that my daughter sat in on one of the visits to get biop results...then it happened, I started to cry, I told myself off and managed to stop but not for long. I looked at a book on the windowsill that said 'hope' it was one of those book folding books, that started me off again so I rubbed my Mums eternity ring that I've been wearing for the last ten years since she died and told myself to stop being silly, but it didn't work, because then I kept thinking about my mum, I was cross with myself for being so emotional and just wanted to disappear. Luckily the nurse called me in, I was fifteen minutes early, my husband was still outside thinking I'd be on time or a little late, so I went in on my own with the nurse. She was lovely, the oncologists were lovely (there were two to start with) I just sat there apologising for crying, they said they fully understood.
My oncologist asked me if I'd noticed any difference in the lump since the chemo started so I told her that the cyst had disappeared within a week, she said that as the cyst was part of the cancer that this was very good news indeed, but let's have a look and see. I went over to the ultrasound bench and took off my bra and she expressed her surprise at the fact that she couldn't see the lump at all as it was huge before. Once she put the ultrasound scanner on and the screen picture came up she was very very pleased and said ' look at the difference it's half the size,'
I just carried on crying. After she measured it and scanned everywhere else she confirmed that there was a 50% reduction, down to 2.2 x1.2cm. My husband had returned by now and was sitting by me so he asked a few questions and we had a general chat, where she told me the mastectomy might not be necessary if things continue as they are, I could possibly have a smaller operation, followed by radiotherapy. She is hoping that it will now completey disappear. I am hoping that too but trying also not getting my hopes up too much, as good news is often followed by not so good news lately, but so far it's an all good news day today. The lovely nurse gave me her number in case I needed anything, and then we went on our way after making another appointment for a further check after the fourth round of chemotherapy.
I felt totally wrung out and drained, we took the dogs to a nearby park and ate our lunch then headed to the supermarket to stock up on more vegetables and fruit, as I need my white cell blood count test to be up on Monday ready for chemo on Tuesday, last time I spent the whole weekend eating spinach and other healthy foods to try to get the count up so I thought I'd better try to do the same, it probably doesn't make a difference but it makes me feel better and in control of something.
A quiet evening followed where I made some phone calls to update family and friends, and then fell asleep for two hours in front of the tv before going to bed.
So that was probably my best day since Nov 4th. I need to keep focused on what the oncologist was saying today and believe that I can beat this. There is still a long way to go until the end of treatment , but I'm getting there bit by bit and I'm nearly half way through the chemotherapy sessions. Time for sleeping now.
Stop this ride...I want to get off!!!
