Tuesday 16th May 2017.
What a horrible horrible day. I'm going to write exactly how I feel right now....I feel totally let down, I feel like I can't trust anybody. That's how I feel.
Today I had an appointment at the hospital, I thought it would be about my up and coming radiotherapy, the planning and arrangements for that. How wrong was I...
I did think it strange that I had two appointments come through and this one wasn't for the hospital where the radiotherapy will be. Anyway when I got there I was asked if I could empty my bladder as I'd be having and internal scan of my pelvic region. Alarm bell started clanging away in my head immediately. I asked her why as I just finished chemo and had a lumpectomy for breast cancer and had the 'all clear' as much as they could. I actually thought they'd mixed my appointment up, she was very surprised I didn't know about the scan or the reason I was there, she checked my name, address etc and said the Doctor would explain.
He was also surprised that this was the first I'd heard about the scan and he explained that my oncologist wanted to do this scan to check an area which had showed a possible cyst or 'something ' on my ovary or womb, and then I'd have a blood test. To say I was shocked was an understatement! This was the first I'd heard of anything suspicious on my scans as I'd had the all clear way back in November.
So I had the scan done, the doctor was very good and showed me the screen, explaining what was what as the scan went along, and then reassured me that everything looked fine and not to worry. Then I had the blood test. The lady doing the blood test was very reassuring too saying that it's routine to do blood tests after a scan and not to worry. Of course I'm worried, now I have the wait for those results.
Yesterday my world was good, my hair is slowly growing back, I have a few eyebrows poking through, and eyelashes too, I was just starting to feel maybe things will be okay...and now this.
Why did I have the all clear on the scans back in November, why didn't I know about the suspicious scan until today?
And also why did I have the okay back in September last year on my left breast and then get diagnosed with cancer in it in November?
Do I believe what I was told after surgery that I had a complete response to the chemotherapy and my lymph nodes were clear, I'm really not that sure now.
Tomorrow I will phone my breast care nurse and have a chat.
I am away visiting my daughter, it was supposed to be a nice couple of days but it was a long trip straight after that hospital appointment, I cried with frustration and sadness on the way, my visit has been totally ruined and I am feeling very sad tonight, I've been awake since 3am this morning and I am shattered but too tired to sleep, my head is buzzing with whys?
I actually feel worse than I did the day I was told I had cancer, because this is the second time I feel I've had the rug pulled from under me. I feel I don't have the energy to put on a happy face and I'm away visiting family so it's going to be a rotten couple of days pretending to be happy.
Anyway, maybe I'm just over reacting, I hope I'm over reacting because I'm shattered I've been awake for 21 hours, I brought some sleeping tablets I got when I was diagnosed, I only used a couple then, I think I will take one now. Tonight I do need one.
I just hope tomorrow is a better day after hopefully some sleep.
I probably shouldn't post this but I'm going to anyway.
Stop this ride ... I want to get off!!!
