Wednesday 16th November 2016
I am thinking this might be a short blog, do I really need to put 2016 on the date, does the year matter?
I didn't think I could feel much worse that I did on Monday, I didn't think I could be scared anymore but today I felt worse and I was scared again.
I feel like my horizons are closing in a little every day, I feel that despair when something happens that doesn't feel right. Today the bone scan was the culprit, after a very long drive we stopped at a beach on the way to walk the dogs and eat a roll, or rather force down a roll. A beautiful beach, it was windy and rainy, but beautiful all the same. But I was filled with utter sadness, there was a lovely old couple drinking coffee out of a flask in their car watching the waves crashing in, not talking, just smiling, content with each others company. I couldn't help feeling envious of them, but very glad for them at the same time. Last time we were here the sun was shining, in more ways than one.
We went on to the hospital and to the appointment. We got parked, the parking angel was with me today, I think she was feeling bad about deserting us yesterday when I called on her. I was seen early, the radioactive fluid was pushed into my veins very gently I might add, and off we went to another beach to walk the dogs to try to kill the three hour wait for the scan.
The cafe opposite the beach was open, that was a lovely surprise, quite often in Wales they close down all winter, so after another walk on the beach we sat in the cafe and did a couple of crosswords. That passed the time, well nearly, we had another walk before heading back to the hospital. I think the parking angel was on overtime, we got another space.
More crossword puzzles while waiting, then the dreaded scan, I had a bad feeling about this one. I was put on the bench and told the scan would last 22 minutes and that they might have to do some more at the end.
All the time I was thinking, please not the extra scan, please not the extra scan, if I have an extra scan then surely thats not a plus? Guess what, the lights went on, the machine lifted up and then she said it, she said those words that sent me right back down..."err, we need to pop you back into the scanner for another scan, it'll be 18 minutes, is that ok?" What was I supposed to say? Actually no, its not alright, how can it be alright?
So back in I went, totally devoid of any emotion other than despair. Total and utter all consuming despair.
After the scan, we had the long drive home. I was in shock and so was Steve when I told him they'd put me in the scanner twice. What an awful journey home, especially when I went into the fuel station to pay and it was all decorated with christmas things. I just kept trying to find something positive to grab onto, but try as hard as I did, nothing was happening there.
Fast forward a couple of hours and I'm sitting here in front of the log burner writing my blog, the little dogs are all sleepy and our run away cat has returned, he's come back fat, so I think we've been downgraded to his second home. I'm nice and warm, apart from my feet, and I do feel a little better, I think its pouring my feelings out on here that makes me feel calmer.
I shouldn't say this but as I'm being honest...the thought has crossed my mind that if I didn't have my wonderful husband, daughters and a grandchild on the way...well you know how it goes. I'm sure I'm not the first person going through this to feel like that, and I'm sure I wont be the last. But that would be selfish of me, and I am not a selfish person. Nothing could ever be worse than how I've felt the last few days, so on the up side surely things can only get better.
One good thing that happened today is that my father didn't phone me! I'm hoping that he has forgotten about my 'problem' because I'm fed up of repeating myself to him, over and over again, but he never remembers things I want him to. Be thankful for small mercies. Today I am thankful for his memory loss. Its kinder for him on this subject and it was easier for me today. Will somebody please stop this ride...I want to get off.
