Tuesday 6th December
Today has been a good day, I don't know how it happened but it's been ok. If Christmas wasn't around the corner it would've been better though.
I woke up about 5.30am, I didn't use a sleeping tablet last night so that was good. My temperature was fine, I hate taking my temperature, it's like waiting to have permission to continue the day if it's within the correct range, I panic a bit every time I take it.
I knew I needed to do the decorations in one of our our holiday lets, but it didn't bother me, the Christmas tunes were on the radio, but that didn't bother me, in fact I kind of enjoyed it, I just kept thinking about next Christmas and hopefully how different it will be. We are planning to move to be close to our daughter and family in Devon, and have more time to visit our other daughter in London, that was the plan before all this happened, and it's still the plan now, but when this treatment is over.
I had a lovely chat with my daughter who is expecting her baby very soon, that really, cheered me up, I kept pushing the thoughts that we planned to be with her now to the back of my mind.
I even put up the decorations in our house up too, I thought it would make me sad as we are on our own for the first time, but strangely it made me feel closer to our girls, those special decorations, the ones that have been with us since they were toddlers. I just stumbled over one decoration, it was a golden tree with tiny glowing lights, my mum bought it for me the Christmas before she died, I can remember the day like it was yesterday, I put it out every year and it always makes me a little sad, but I will put that out tomorrow.
I didn't walk the dogs today as I was shattered, and the light was fading, hubby decided to give it a miss too. A lazy late afternoon/evening of quiz shows and maybe a film later.
So I'm left wondering why today has been so calm, is this acceptance? Is that what's happening to me? It's been four and a half weeks of unbearable pressure, moments when I've felt the life drain out of me, Ive been terrified and I've cried in the park on my own in the dark, sat at meal times struggling to swallow food at the same time as trying to act normal, faking every smile. I've wanted to give up and press the self destruct button, just to make it all go away, I've been looking on YouTube, not for crafty things to make, or for recipes, but how to fold scarves, how to shape eyebrows. How life can change!
I think maybe I have moved on to acceptance, now I need to try to say there, not go back to where I was. I know I'll dip in there, I'm only human, but I don't want to stay there, and I do know my life will never be the same again, but I'm praying it can be good again so I can spend time with my family. After this chemotherapy is done with that's what I'm going to do, whatever the final outcome is. I will spend every second I can with them.
Even if today is a blip, it's been a welcome break, one I needed. Please, please let this be the beginning of something better.
Stop this ride...I want to get off!!!
