Deck the Halls and acceptance.

3 minute read time.

6 Dec 2016

Tuesday 6th December

Today has been a good day, I don't know how it happened but it's been ok. If Christmas wasn't around the corner it would've been better though.

I woke up about 5.30am, I didn't use a sleeping tablet last night so that was good. My temperature was fine, I hate taking my temperature, it's like waiting to have permission to continue the day if it's within the correct range, I panic a bit every time I take it.

I knew I needed to do the decorations in one of our our holiday lets, but it didn't bother me, the Christmas tunes were on the radio, but that didn't bother me, in fact I kind of enjoyed it, I just kept thinking about next Christmas and hopefully how different it will be. We are planning to move to be close to our daughter and family in Devon, and have more time to visit our other daughter in London, that was the plan before all this happened, and it's still the plan now, but when this treatment is over.

I had a lovely chat with my daughter who is expecting her baby very soon, that really, cheered me up, I kept pushing the thoughts that we planned to be with her now to the back of my mind.

I even put up the decorations in our house up too, I thought it would make me sad as we are on our own for the first time, but strangely it made me feel closer to our girls, those special decorations, the ones that have been with us since they were toddlers. I just stumbled over one decoration, it was a golden tree with tiny glowing lights, my mum bought it for me the Christmas before she died, I can remember the day like it was yesterday, I put it out every year and it always makes me a little sad, but I will put that out tomorrow.

I didn't walk the dogs today as I was shattered, and the light was fading, hubby decided to give it a miss too. A lazy late afternoon/evening of quiz shows and maybe a film later.

So I'm left wondering why today has been so calm, is this acceptance? Is that what's happening to me? It's been four and a half weeks of unbearable pressure, moments when I've felt the life drain out of me, Ive been terrified and I've cried in the park on my own in the dark, sat at meal times struggling to swallow food at the same time as trying to act normal, faking every smile. I've wanted to give up and press the self destruct button, just to make it all go away, I've been looking on YouTube, not for crafty things to make, or for recipes, but how to fold scarves, how to shape eyebrows. How life can change!

I think maybe I have moved on to acceptance, now I need to try to say there, not go back to where I was. I know I'll dip in there, I'm only human, but I don't want to stay there, and I do know my life will never be the same again, but I'm praying it can be good again so I can spend time with my family. After this chemotherapy is done with that's what I'm going to do, whatever the final outcome is. I will spend every second I can with them.

Even if today is a blip, it's been a welcome break, one I needed. Please, please let this be the beginning of something better.

Stop this ride...I want to get off!!!

FormerMember over 8 years ago

Hi JM

Am really pleased you have had a better day,its a diamond day!!

Things do start to settle down,i remember the very day I didn.t feel like I was drowning(,i actually had a little panic over that as well)

You will get lots more of these days and when your little one is born each day will get better.

Today on my way to radiotherapy 40 minute drive over humber bridge(bridge of hope I call it)there had been an accident,made me shudder and I thought how lucky I was compared to that tangled mess,anyway I had to detour and needed traffic to please let me in,so it called for drastic measures I tooked me bobble hat off (I look like uncle fester from the adams family with not much hair)and had a few minutes with a sad face on and a big sweaty lorry driver let me through, god love him I must have terrified him.

This is the start of better not perfect, we are all getting there, together.We are like tea bags,add water and we become stronger.

Love and hugs

Dee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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FormerMember over 8 years ago

Hi, it is so strange how your experience mirrors my own. I too have felt brighter and more optimistic today. Perhaps it is the beginning of acceptance. I'm so pleased that you've had an easier day today xx
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JMC04 over 8 years ago

Hi Dee,

You did it again, you made me laugh about the sweaty lorry driver, and you're right about that accident, it's a bit of a reality check.

I might be getting near the hat and wig stage soon, my scalp felt itchy for a while today, it's stopped now but maybe it's the start of the end for my hair. I just want it over with, the clippers are ready just in case!

I hope this is the start of things getting better now, for all of us.

I know things won't be perfect, my friend told me once that even beautiful things have little flaws in them. That'll be us, beautiful still even with our little flaws.

Lots of love to you, and thanks again for the smile. Xxxx
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Zappaman over 8 years ago

JM, I am glad that you have had a happy day and have hooked up with women who can relate to your situation and treatment. It's nice to see that you can share humerous stories with each other and share your experiences about the treatment etc. As Dee said a diamond day and I hope you have many more. I'm really happy for you
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JMC04 over 8 years ago

Thanks zappaman,

I was wondering how you are doing? Is the swallowing getting better now, I do hope so.

I'm sure nutrition and sleep are key to feeling good and recovery, in fact I think you might have said that to me earlier .

My sleep is getting better, I have had 5 hours last night again without the mild sleeping tablet, plus I dozed off in front of the tv, before bed. It's small steps but in the right direction. On the food side, I can't say I feel hungry but I do make myself eat, and when it's in front of me I enjoy it.

It really is such a comfort to find people going through the same sort of treatment as yourself on here, you don't feel so alone, plus any small tips and advice can make such a huge difference. I live so far away from a big town, there are no help groups locally either, so this is a blessing.

It's Christmas card writing and dog walking for me today and not much else, it's be kind to myself day! Although the car does need washing...

I hope you have a good day today.

Hugs and warm wishes to you and your family.
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