Saturday 3rd December.
Last night I went to bed and thought, maybe it would be nice to listen to one of my playlists on the phone, what a bad idea that was. I realised that for a whole month I hadn't played even one solitary song. I usually have my music on in the car, when I'm cooking, if the radio isn't on, my playlist is playing away.
I cried and cried into the pillow, I just couldn't play anything, it all sounded wrong, I was annoyed at myself for crying, my husband had gone into the other bedroom so he wouldn't keep me awake with his snoring, he'd taken the little dogs, I wanted to cuddle 'my' little dog, but he'd taken them so I wouldn't, I need to be careful about infection, I'd already washed my hands for the hundredth and gone to bed, so now my music had gone, my comfort cuddles too. I felt empty.
I just wanted a ticket back to 'before' just to rest my mind and to not feel fear for a while, to feel safe again. It was another rock bottom.
But then I thought I can't go back to 'before' because I don't even know when 'before' was, how long ago did this start growing? Plus that's not moving in the right direction to get myself out of this mess, this has to be dealt with head on, I'm way out of my comfort zone, but I'll make new comfort zones. No amount of anxiety I put myself through can change my future. I am the one making myself suffer and that's wasting my precious energy.
So I took a mild sleeping tablet, grabbed my mums embroidery sample as a comfort and thought nice thoughts of my daughters and partners enjoying Christmas together while me and my husband are sat on the shelf in the iPad watching them! That made me smile.
Today has been 'good' We went to the local town, as we needed to go to the post office, I stayed in the car though, as I didn't want to catch any germs, hubby got some lovely bits for lunch, and then we took the dogs for a lovely walk in the forest.
Back home after a lovely simple lunch, we just sat and watched a really old film, hubby slept nearly all the way through it, I felt content for most of it, but I had a little while when I thought, 'why has it taken something as catastrophic as this diagnosis to let me give myself permission to sit and be lazy on a Saturday afternoon?'
As I said before, I am going to cut myself some slack and be kinder to myself in future. In fact I'm starting today.
That was Saturday, a day of starting to train my brain to be calm and to accept this situation for what it is, believe in what the experts tell me, have faith and start to move on.
Stop this ride...I want to get off!
