4th November 2016.
Ive always imagined that when we are born we get put on a big huge long conveyor belt, (I have a good imagination) and God willing hopefully we get the chance to travel along to the end without too many wobbles along the way, I know sadly that people do fall off the conveyor belt far too soon and that is cruel, I just never imagined that my conveyor belt might actually stop for a while, make me get off, give me a huge devastating shock, and then decide wether to let me get back on again. Thats where I am now. I'm going to be here for a little while waiting, before I find out if I'm allowed back on eventually, or if I get put on one going in a different direction, this one I might fall off at any given time.
I got my diagnosis on 4th Nov 16, after six months of tests, I've always had lumps in the past, two begnine removed years ago. This was started off from my routine 50 year mammogram, lots of needle biopsies, waiting, VAB, more waiting, given the all clear in September. Calcification in the right breast, no changes so ok, begnine lumps in left breast, not a concern. Come back in a year for a check. Lovely.
Then a lump came up on my left breast, I left it thinking the left side wasn't a concern, after a month i had it checked out, it had suddenly got rather large, but it very much looked like another cyst, so back to the hospital just to be sure, it was drained, what a relief, it was gone, but as the consultant checked again with the ultrasound, she found another lump hiding under the cyst. So two more needle biopsies and back for results on the Friday. By then the cyst had returned, quite bruised and sore.
I was almost sure it would be another begnine lump, so sure that I'd felt confident enough to plan a trip out to some local gardens afterwards, my husband was with me, my eldest daughter and her partner were down stairs in the cafe.
I wasn't expecting to be told it was a grade 3 cancer, invasive. I didn't really take anymore in, just sat there with that feeling that this was happening to someone else, not me. How could it be me? I'd had the all clear so recently, I've never smoked, I don't eat meat, don't drink much, I ran a 5k park run a month ago, not much slower than my daughter, and she's fit, followed by a 15 mile bike ride, I really do look after my body because its the only place I have to live...how could this be happening?
After being shuffled through to the 'sad news room' as I think of it, and being told that mastectomy on 22nd followed by radiation and chemo was the most probable way forward my husband went to get my daughter (who is due to give birth over Christmas) and her partner.
There were shocked tears, hugs but also encouraging words. I wanted to carry on and go to the gardens, so we did, I didn't want to dwell on things. I wanted a little more normality and some time to think about who to tell and in what order. It was a strange, strange day, my daughter was devastated and I was trying to carry on as normal for her sake, but she is in the medical profession and works in operating theatres, as a senior ODP, so I couldn't fluff over things with her.
We eventually went home and broke the news to family and people we thought needed to know. Made dinner and watched home movies from when my daughters were babies. Her partner found that very amusing. It was nice to see them all smiling but I found it quite upsetting as there were clips of my mum on there, the pictures are one thing, but hearing a voice from the past that you loved so much and long to talk to again was a real toughie.
A bad nights sleep followed, I resisted the temptation to google anything. So that was my diagnosis day over and done with.
