Saturday 17 December.
I didn't do my blog yesterday because I didn't do anything to write about. I just sat and knitted most of the day, and tried hard to be lazy because I want those white cells to start reproducing! I felt very fed up though for most of the day. The disappointment of the postponed chemo was upsetting. The lovely neighbours called around to cut the wig they'd given me in the evening and I'd made some more mince pies as a thank you for them to take home. That was it, my Friday.
So it's now Saturday, and it has been another lazy day, although we did take the dogs out for a nice walk in the woods, that was nice. Christmas films in the afternoon and more knitting to take my mind off the fact that I should've been with my daughter today. Damn everything.
That's what I've done, but how do I feel today? I feel huge disappointment, huge sadness and anger, all mixed in with the ever present fear that never quite leaves me. I still can't get over the fact that my body is failing me, it's a weird feeling, I look okay, but my body, the body that I've looked after, the body that made two beautiful babies without too much effort, is not really working right.
But my lovely husband is making an early dinner, I'm going to finish the knitting, watch strictly come dancing final and try to put my faith in the hope that my body is now making some white cells for me, and I'm going to keep telling myself that there is a brilliant team of professionals all with my best interests at heart.
So that's it for today, I'm just passing time until Monday really, and hoping that the blood test comes good, so I can carry on with the fight.
Stop this ride...I want to get off!!!
