Not sure what the date is and what difference does it really make anyway?
So continuing with the theme of being honest, today has been much like yesterday as far as scores on the happiness scale goes.
A big fat zero.
I got up this morning after falling down the stairs in the night at my daughters ( didn't put the light on because I didn't want to wake anyone up) and my toe was all bruised and swollen, I couldn't walk on it so I put ice on it and hoped it'd get better. Fat chance of that happening.
By lunch time it was much worse but I didn't want to spoil the day as we'd come to visit hubbys parents and only had two days, I ignored the pain and we took them out for lunch. After lunch we took them home and I sat with my mum in law and I just started to cry. It just happened.
I cried because she was there and she reminded me of my mum who I really really ache for and miss so much, I cried for my old life, I cried because I am scared, I cried because I'm so tired of being scared, I cried because I hate myself for crying, I cried because of missed opportunities, I cried because I'll never feel truly safe again, I cried by because I feel I'm not the same woman my husband married, I cried because I have had an excellent result from chemo and the operation but still can't be happy because I don't trust the results any more. I cried because Ive become such a good actor and can fool anyone into thinking I'm fine, then I get sad because they think I'm fine when I'm not. I cried because I can't put into words how I really feel. I cried because this life I am living now is pushing my memories of my old life away.
After my epic crying session with my mother in law I dried my eyes and put a smile on my face and we all had tea and cake, like you do, because everyone knows tea and cake fixes everything...oh wouldn't it be wonderful if life was that simple, but it probably was a year ago.
When we left I decided to go to the casualty department to get my foot looked at as it was so sore and two hours later after X-rays etc it was confirmed that the big toe was broken. So it was strapped up and because it's a nasty break I have to go back tomorrow afternoon to be seen by orthopaedics to get it looked at and strapped up again. Then we will have the five hour journey home to Wales. What an awful two days away it's been. But I'm grateful to be able to walk into casualty and be seen and get sorted out.
I said to hubby that the reason I was wandering around in the middle of the night and fell downstairs and broke my toe was because I couldn't sleep, I couldn't sleep because I was annoyed, I was annoyed because I went to that appointment yesterday totally unprepared, I was unprepared because someone didn't tell me why I was going, or more importantly that I'd had a 'suspect' scan months ago. If only I had been given the information.
Anyway enough of my ramblings, I'm going to try to sleep now, and if I do get up in the night, the light switch will be going on.
Stop this ride... I want to get off!!!
