Friday 18th Nov
I was given a ray of hope today, and it was gratefully received. I went from terrified to hopeful in a few hours and I feel blessed.
Yesterday I convinced myself that this cancer had spread and that there would be no treatment for me. I'm not stupid, I know it happens, it can happen to anybody young and old, I'm not special. The lump was huge and painful and scaring the hell out of me. Today everything was explained in a way that made sense in my crazy out of control head. It was like I started to breathe again after holding the longest breath ever, and that breath so calmed my mind.
Chemo first for me is the best way forward with my type of cancer, then she put a metal clip marker in the tumour incase it shrinks so much they can't find it. That sounded so good to me. The consultant explained that this sort of treatment can be extremely effective in shrinking tumours and any stray cells, I have to believe that it will be the case for me.
I really thought it was in my lungs also, for weeks I've not been comfortable in my chair, back ache, I never thought much about it until two weeks ago, then that was it, that was the reason, it's in my lungs! I'm going to have to try to not to over think things, this will not take over my mind, I will not let it.
I had such support from the lovely people on the breast cancer forum, and I felt quite emotional when I read all the replies after I updated. Ive never had a lot of friends, due to my upbringing, just a handful of close friends, but I don't live near them anymore, so this has meant the world to me.
It was another long day though, we took the dogs because we weren't sure how long we would be, so after the encouraging news we walked them in the nearby park and headed for lunch, a lovely food emporium that just makes simple tasty food, very rustic, everything there is home made. We had bubble and squeak with a poached egg on top, something simple, but it was the best meal I've had in a very long time, it did the trick, I had an appetite for the first time in 14 days It didn't feel like I was swallowing sawdust, and that felt real good! Plus I could feel my husband relax, that was a gift to me.
It was nearly dark when we got home, it took a while to explain to everybody the change in plan for the treatment and why, then we reheated last nights dinner that never got eaten after that phone call.
Certain times on Friday's will always be a reminder to me that life can pick you up shake you about and spit you out a different person 9.20am, 10.15am and 10am on Fridays also 6.45 pm on Thursday. Funny that today I thought that exactly two weeks ago I was sat in the same waiting room, unaware of the battle that was coming. I was so glad it wasn't two weeks ago. Then I thought, I am amazed that I've got through this stage of not knowing, the awful awful lows.How did I manage, I didn't think I had it in me. I think I am a different person, and so is my husband, we look exactly the same, but we are stronger. Whatever happens at least from now on things are moving, and I feel a little in control, I'm moving forward now and not staying still, I will never be in that first two week stage again, I got through it, and the consultant is looking out for me, and that is a wonderful thing, In effect, a stranger is trying to save my life. I still can't believe that. I look at people differently now, I understand that people who look happy and normal could easily be carrying around terrible burdens and sadness.
I am enjoying my positive news today, and I know it is a fragile thing, but in my shoes I am taking every little bit of hope and I'm going to squeeze the hell out of it. I'm unbelievably excited about seeing my daughter tomorrow in her first home, and helping her unpack. I didn't think it would be possible to go, so that's another gift today brought. We seem to be living in the car lately, but these are the most important journeys
ever in my life. Some of them incredibly sad and exhausting and some incredibly hopeful, but each one moving us forward.
I have rambled on tonight, I kind of hope nobody's reading this ridiculous twaddle, it's for me to hopefully look back on one day and remind myself of what happened to me one ordinary Friday morning and how I got out of the mess.
I will end on a lighter note, anybody who knows me or my husband will know that we had another battle on our hands for the last three years, or rather my husband did, the battle of the moles, every morning he would look out of the window and give a mole hill report, oh my goodness it's been almost a hobby, an obsession,I don't get it, we live in the country side, there are fields all around us, the moles can't help it, they are kind of cute. Every method has been tried, we even had a hoover hose sticking out of the lawn once, it looked very dodgy and I didn't ask, long conversations about moles with anyone who would listen, strangely not a word about moles in the last 14 days, not a word, bliss, and there are 5 hughmoungus mole hills out there. I am very thankful for small blessings, and so are the moles.
Bed time now, long lovely day tomorrow. Not back till Monday or Tuesday.
Thank you for slowing the ride, it's so nice to have a rest.
