Friday 2nd December
Its been a month since the bombshell news. I thought about it at 9.20am, this morning right through until 10.50am, which was the time I walked out of the hospital that awful, awful morning.
Looking back now, I think I knew, when they asked me to have a mammogram before seeing the consultant, I thought, 'this is not quite right.' I text my daughter who was waiting for me in the cafe, she told me later that she felt the same. I remember looking at my face in the mirror in the changing room when I put the gown on, the whites of my eyes were pinkish, they never look like that...I was scared, very scared.
What have I learned in the last four weeks?
Firstly, that my husband really, really meant it 29 years ago when he said 'in sickness and in health' I have tears in my eyes now when I think of how amazing he has been, just solid and there, without question. I cannot put it into words how comforting it has been to have him beside me. I would be lost without him.
I have learned that our daughters are adults now, we did a good job bringing them up and I am so proud of them. They can cope with me not being the one who always fixes everything, they can help fix me, because I am broken right now. I need to let them help me now, and I need to stop trying to make everything all right, it's really not alright and it won't be for a long time, but they can cope. We can all cope better together.
I have learned not to jump to conclusions, I have had myself dead and buried several times this month, but I'm still here, I need to listen to the experts and have faith in what they are telling me and not let my imagination run wild.
I have learned that a 'stranger' is trying her best to save my life...that's a lot of faith to put into someone I hadn't even met a month ago. She has my future, my hopes and dreams, those of my daughters and husbands too in her hands. I cannot begin put it into words how grateful I feel towards her. I wouldn't know where to start, I'm just not 'clever' enough to express myself in words, but my heart is bursting with admiration for this lady.
I have learned that when I hit rock bottom, and I think that 'the lights have gone out, and I can't be saved,' that anything else is a bonus, however small, however short the time might be, that it is a bonus. Some people never get the time to say their goodbyes, or have a last hug. I've learned that things could indeed be worse...I have learned what it feels like to have the life drain out of me. It happened on a Thursday at 5.45pm and on a Friday at 10.15am, and several times in between. What I'm saying is that old chestnut, when you except that you've hit rock bottom, the only way is up, and it's true.
I have learned that I don't scare easily now and that I don't cry when I should, and that when I need help the Macmillan site is without question, a sanity saver and huge comfort for me.
I have learned that I can travel this road with the other people who are doing it, they were always there all around me, every day, everywhere, I just didn't realise, they look normal, just like me, but I am one of them now. I can do it. When I was having my chemotherapy, there was a gentleman having chemotherapy on the chair next to me, the very next day, less than twenty four hours later he was in the local supermarket, I wouldn't have known there was a problem with him. The hospital is an hours drive from the supermarket. What a coincidence. People are carrying on living life day to day, fighting their own personal battles, but on the inside.
I have learned that if I am lucky enough to get through this that I will be a better version of me, but I will be kinder to myself also and I will be able to face anything that life throws at me.
I could go on and on, but its Friday night and it's time to watch a film with my husband.
On a lighter note, I've learned that he makes a mean toasted sandwich, great porridge, and he will love me with a bald head even more.
Last but not least I've learned that I can't switch the italics off on this site and I'll never get the hang of this keyboard!
The lights go out and I can't be saved,
Tides that I tried to swim against,
Have brought me down upon my knees,
Oh I beg, I beg and plead.....
Stop this ride...I want to get off!
