Thursday 1st December
Today has been better, I got a bit more sleep last night. I got up to the start of the most beautiful sunrise over the mountains so I just sat and watched the sun come up. I felt calm.
I'm still having plenty of moments of terrible fear, what if's, and any little niggle and I'm thinking it's spread, I still just can't believe that the scans were clear, I'm not the luckiest person, so I always expect a knock back. I must keep telling myself that the oncologist was very positive about things, I keep repeating that when the fear creeps up on me.
I am relieved that my daughters know now that we can't be with them this Christmas, they've been wonderful. We are going to visit our older daughter for her birthday a week before Chrismas for a couple of days as I wont be in the danger time for infection then. Thats keeping me happy right now. Maybe the baby will come early? I have decided that when I hear the Christmas songs on the radio that I am going to imagine that its this time next year and all of this horror is behind me.
But today I actually made the lentil soup I've been wanting to make for days. We went to the local town and hubby picked up the sleeping tablets, I'm hoping not to use them, but they are there for when I get desperate at 2am. I bought some nice soft toilet roll (don't ask) Back home and after lunch just tidied around, we managed to walk the dogs around the lanes again, it was lovely and bright, I must make a point of doing this every day, its good for us to walk together, it really is.
We were going to meet up with some friends to walk a bit of the coast path this afternoon, we helped them move into their new house three days before the diagnosis, haven't had time to see them since, but he had 'paperwork' to do today, I did feel sorry for my husband, I don't want this treatment to spoil things with his friend. It's probably me being over sensitive as they did say we could meet at the weekend instead. I hope that happens. We will go to the beach at the weekend anyhow.
My mouth is slightly better I think, well, it's no worse, I am so thankful for that.
I feel a sense of calm after the storm today, it will be a month tomorrow, the day that shook mine and my families world, surely nothing can ever be as bad as the last four weeks because I know the score now, the scans are done, and treatment has begun. I got his far, I can cope. I can do it... I am doing it.
I am sat in my pj's nice and warm, dogs walked, and cat fed, (for the tenth time today) and I am getting used to watching the late afternoon tv quizzes, I'm so glad its winter in a way because it's a good excuse to sit down early.
So that was my Thursday, probably the best Thursday in a month, got to make Friday a better one too, thats the way forward now. So its time to say,
Stop this ride...I want to get off.
