To explain briefly my dad is my father in law. I lost my biological dad when I was a child o never grew up with one. I always felt like I would never get a dad and would never be able to experience what that was like. Then I et my hubby and his dad became my dad. It's such an overwhelming feeling. I can't explain how happy they made me.
Just before we got married we found out that dad had cancer we thought it was in the lungs but after tests it started in the kidneys and had spread to the lungs. There is no cure for it, he will die. Hearing those words broke me. I was just about to get a dad back and know what it felt like when it was being taken away. We moved across the country and back home to help with everything that we would all be going through.
It never really hit me till I moved back. Within a of months he was in hospital and I got that dreaded fear- what if he doesn't come back out? Of course you paint a smile on my carry on as normal as everyone needs you to be the strong one. So I did.
Looking at him now he is so different, he is tired all the time but he refuses to stop working as he has his own business. I admire him so much. When I see him I feel like he is so frail and all I want to do is give him a hug. More then anything I want to make everything better. But I can't. No matter what I try I can't fix this situation no matter how much I want to.
I am grateful that we found the cancer though. It may be too late to treat it, but finding it means that he I on a trial. We were told he had till the end of last summer but on this drug he could have a few more years. That is amazing! I still worry though. I can see him getting weaker day by day and that scares me. I'm not sure if I am ready to deal with everything that will happen. Everyone around me will fall apart and I will have to be the strong one. I have no issue with accepting the cancer. I do have a problem with the cruelty of it. My family is so fragile because of this. I don't know what will happen when his time comes.
I don't know if I can get through it. Or even if my family can. all I do know is I can see him getting weaker. He is on morphine now and in my head that's not a good sign.
I want more than anything to talk about this but how can I? What do I say? I want to tell him how much having him as a dad really means to me but he isn't the only type and will probably bring it off. I want to do everything i can to make his time happy. But what about when he is gone? How do I cope then- when my family are falling to bits and I have to pick them back up?
I am so scared of !y future right now because I know it won't have my dad in. A dad that I have wanted in my life for such a long time. I just don't know why to do.
