Hello there
I felt it would help me personally if I started to write a little diary about my feelings.. I guess to share and offload! Im afraid its more 'JK Moaning' than 'JK Rowling' but hey ho!
So today I took my Pannie (my nickname for my better half, my love) to hospital locally to have his needle biopsy of a gland in lung.. maybe lymph gland? Anyway, took him in, and was warned he would be very sleepy and groggy afterwards when time to pick up.
So I went about my day, and its amazing, when anxiety kicks in (my solitude anxiety) it magnifies EVERYTHING 100 fold. A perfectly easy generously sized parallel park procedure, becomes the size to take just a motorbike, Bless my love, when I parked with him in car, it was first time perfect 'thats right darling, you got it turn the wheel now, straighten up, now, he would say) HOWEVER when I had to parallel park alone later, the car was NOT parallel! More like diagonal. I gave up. walked off leaving car at an angle. Blow it!
Also I got a lot of accellorator/brake anxiety too.. what this is - whilst driving, I was scared I would miss the pedals, OR accellerate when I should have been braking. I realised later this was my brain doing classic 'mind diversions' to take me off all the other things I was stewing about (and after only 5 hours sleep last night). Bummer.
So I had to visit my GP in the meantime, (I have a LOT of auto immune disorders so need frequent blood tests) and he said 'dont assume cancer, it could be tuberculosis' I smiled. He gave me his mobile number and said he would be there for me whenever, if I fancied a chat. I mentioned the AMAZING members here, and how much you are so wonderful, and wished I could hug everyone of you and bake you cakes! maybe one day 
So after collecting my love and doing his supper, he's fallen asleep in his chair. I dont think there will be anything to report until hospital get in touch with a follow up appointment, and then, a PET scan is planned.
In the meantime I simply pray pray pray. (to myself) Im Catholic, his Atheist - Perfect combo - LOLOL
so I probably wont be popping in here much until I get his diagnosis, maybe in a couple of weeks
In those 2 weeks we have some major anniversary events and weddings to attend. Im hoping is cough wont make people annoyed. :/ But it will be a nice celebratory time, and we will really enjoy a little knees up mother brown
Pannie is being spoiled rotten by me. I know I shouldn't feed him full of his gooey favourites, but I cannot help myself! I also feel so much guilt, that I could have been better, we were 'bickerers', not major stuff, but things like 'oh youre doing it wrong' or 'you bought the wrong stuff - ohh next time ill do it right' seems all so insignificant now. So unimportant, so pointless.
I believe things happen for a reason. I knew that when I met Pannie, God presented to me, my soulmate.
In the mid 1990s, Pannie had nursed his wife during her breast cancer, a fight she lost. (thats how we met, I knew his wife) Two years after her passing, we started dating. I believed at the time I was the one chosen to love him, until his wife was ready to welcome him in heaven.
Maybe this is the reason. Maybe she is now ready for him
Hope you are all ok, I hope I can help you too, but I admit Im not very experienced with fancy cancer names or grades. I guess Im a novice! Hope each day is sunny and bright for you, and you have received a lot of love.
Love and hugs to all from me, and I promise cake all round one day!
Ill update with any news bulletins
Sally xxx
