Guilt, Guilt, Guilt

Hello Claire, 

This is my first time writing anything on the online community so apologies if this does not come out quite right!

I came across your post and I felt as though I just wanted to say - you sound like a superstar. It sounds as though you are taking great care of your mum while having difficulties of your own. 

I am not a big fan of people saying "I know what that is like" because everyone's experience is different but what I can say is, I too am a carer for my mum who has Multiple Myeloma and I hear what you are saying about being stuck, feelings of guilt and life being on hold. 

I often feel very guilty for doing little things like seeing friends and playing sports but sometimes i have remind myself that I can care for her better when I care for myself. Feeling like life is on hold makes me feel down too. The uncertainty can sometimes be so frustrating but then I feel so guilty for feeling that way because its not anyone's fault.

 I just turned 18 (8 years ago) when I mum was first diagnosed and my friends constantly reminded me that I can continue life and keep moving forward.. it's not the kind of 'forward' that I had planned but it is forward none the less. Everyday I get myself out of bed is a kind of 'forward'. This doesn't mean to say that I don't feel the ups and downs of being a carer, they are very much there. They are there when I want to go out with friends, get a new job, go on holiday and do all the things I see everyone else doing.

I just wanted to let you know, you are not alone. I feel the same. I am so sorry to hear you have had an operation too, it is truly inspirational to hear that that you are still being a great carer while juggling your own health too. 

I have struggled with anxiety for a long time but I found talking helps. Do you have anyone that you can talk to about your depression or have you tried calling the Macmillan Support Line?

I wish you a speedy recovery and i hope your mum keeps as well as possible. 

Take care :)

Hi there STS .. So sorry for the delay in responding.. I am not very good with this app and things have been rather chaotic recently!

You are the first person I have come across in the same situation.. It's an adventure isn't it !!

My Mum has had her disease for a number of years now but there has been no holding her back .. It's not a life sentence, more an inconvenience. I think at times the effect can be more profound for the carer at times .. It may be selfish to say that ? Perhaps it's a different journey emotionally for both, equally are difficult