So, 6 months after loosing my (lets say Partner for now, it will become clearer as the blog moves forward) partner, I am invited to attend three counselling sessions set up by Macmillan.
One session each month for three months (does this ring a bell?). I have lots of friends around me and had a little counselling before this invite but I am a person who is willing to take all the help there is and see how it fits with me, so I went along.
The sessions are three, the subject are three, the sessions are basically :-
1 where you were
2 where you are now
3 where you hope to be.
So the first session one talks about the past, how who when , that sort of thing, we remember the person and the past. I had a problem.
My partner was first and foremost my "submissive" (how many of you are already tutting and turning off from the post I wonder), we met through a thing we know as the lifestyle, (for those of you who are not aware of BDSM, think of 50 shades of grey, and you are in the right direction, although the books are nothing like the lifestyle in reality).
She became my partner and we were committed to each other but I had already been married once and divorced, the idea of marrying again was silly, the vows already given had been broken so saying the same thing again had no meaning to me. I "collared" her, (the lifestyle commitment between a dominant and a submissive), we were a couple and everyone who knew us, knew we were strong together. It took three years for me to find a way of getting legally attached to her (marriage) so that it meant something to me. Now she was mine both in my eyes and in the eyes of the law. We had 8 years of devotion to each other before C came along and stole her from me. It took 10 months for C to do its worst. It will take longer for me to get past the tears that well up at times like this as I talk about her/us.
So, there I am, sitting in the meeting with others (30 or so) all in the same situation, being told that we can talk, listen to others or "whatever feels right". Now, I am not stupid, I understand that lots of you out there will feel that the things done in the BDSM scene should not happen, some will feel it is wrong, perverted, evil. Some of you will feel, like I do, that there is more to this and it is right for some people to be a part of it, myself and my submissive for example.
As I sit there listening to others relaying their memories, I want to tell them about the wonderful person I lost, I start a sentence and have to stop, the lifestyle was so much a part of our daily life, it permeated everything. "That's not a bad thing" you may say (I say that) but I can not tell people about us without bringing up the lifestyle. It can be hard enough talking to you here, now, about this, but to bring the lifestyle into the mind of others in such a situation of a group counselling with all the others trying to deal with their losses. How could I do such a thing? So I move to one side and realise that I can not take part in the session. Anger surges forward, for the first time, she was such a star, so much a person to be celebrated but I can not subject these vulnerable people to the memories I have, it would truly "not be fair" of me. So I move and pretend to need a cup of tea, I talk to the leader of the session, but I get angry with myself for not being able to share, it is almost as if I were ashamed of her/us/me and I am not. I am so privileged to have had her in my life.
I survive the session, I return to those friends I have who knew us and do my grieving there, I do attend the three sessions but I feel guilty.
Is there a point to this blog, a moto, a reason for it? I suppose not but, like so many things, talking is good.
I would like to thank the people who arrange the sessions and help us get through the next day or two. I guess I did not realise how you have to try and help everyone when we all have completely different issues to deal with.
Maybe, the point of this blog was to say "thank you for being there".
