Since my last post I've had my second and third chemo sessions.
I was way less nervous after the first one but still apprehensive. Luckily I went into the second one feeling pretty healthy (almost normal), this helped a lot with the side effects. Apparently if you're feeling bad before you start, any pain or discomfort just gets intensified after chemo. Rachel and Nick were both there for my chemo session, and my parents popped in too (I think I had the most visitors in the unit!) I still hate the cannula (it's the worst bit but at least once it's in I don't have to worry about it anymore!). We played scrabble and Rachel brought a quiz for us to do, which really helped to pass the time (we even got the guy in the next bed involved!).
I had decided to give up with the cold cap this time because my hair was falling out anyway and I thought I would just embrace the change. I've got myself loads of head-scarves all in different colours which helps!
So the chemo routine now is: go in on the Friday for the whole day (I'm usually first there, last to leave), then I feel pretty ok for the next 2 days. It's day 3/4/5 that it really starts to kick in. My blood count drops, I have to come off the steroid pills, and I generally feel pretty bad. My digestive system goes crazy, I feel sick and pissed off mostly. I'm so lucky to have my family around at this time to get me through! They cook me nice meals and keep me supplied with whatever I need! It's also lovely that my sister comes to visit with my baby niece Maggie - a very cute distraction!
After day 5/6 I start to feel better and it's so nice to come out of the fog - I start wanting to be sociable and doing things! - but have to stop myself before I over do it! I had to miss my friend Sophia’s hen party which was so sad, and had to cancel a trip to London to see my friend Giulia as well :(
After the second session I actually went back to work after the initial week. It was so good to get back to doing something useful. I feel almost 100% healthy. I was a bit nervous about peoples' reactions to seeing me - with my head scarves on, and not knowing what to say. But the majority of people just got on with it, asked how I was, acknowledged it, and quickly started acting normally - just want I needed. What I didn’t need was knitted eyebrows in sympathy, and walking on egg-shells.
I’ve still been using the Maggie’s cancer centre as a resource for support. Nick and I went to another ‘Living with uncertainty’ session which is so useful, and I went to something called ‘Look Good, Feel Better’ which is about trying help you adjust to changes in your appearance. We got loads of free top-of-the-range beauty products which had been donated from the companies, and they showed us how to use them. I met some other chemo patients as well so I can now say hi to them on the ward.
The 3rd chemo session (last Friday) was even easier. They are becoming shorter and less scary each time. My friend Katherine came for the whole day as well as Nick, and my sister came for a while too, and my dad to pick me up (again I have the record number of visitors!). It’s day 5 now and even though yesterday was rough I am feeling really good considering (especially when I think back to the last time!)
It’s mine and Nick’s 9 year anniversary tomorrow and I’ve organised a trip away this weekend which I can’t wait for! It’s so nice being able to plan things (even if they are last minute!)
The next thing is a CT scan (which is tonight). 3 chemo’s down and they will be checking if it’s doing the right job. If it is I’ll have another 3, taking me to January (a month before our wedding!). I’m a bit apprehensive about the scan results but I do feel encouraged as I’m feeling so much better than I was. Fingers crossed it’s good news.
One thing that people have been asking me is how come it spread so much, and why wasn’t it caught earlier. There are two types of cervical cancer - squamous cell - which is the most common and starts at the bottom of the cervix - this means it is easier to detect with smears. The one that I have is called adinocarcinoma, which starts further up the cervix and is therefore harder to detect. I had a smear in 2009 which didn’t detect anything, but the cancer may have already been growing by then. Having said that the type of cancer I have is ‘highly abnormal’ which means it spreads fast and may not have been present then at all. It’s hard to know. But either way, nothing else further could have been done to detect this earlier, on my part, or the hospital’s.
At the moment, one of the the hardest things for me is the uncertainty of the future, I just wish I could know what’s going to happen so that I could plan things. Another difficult thing is how to talk to people about what me and my family are going through, and how to help them to talk to us about it. I’ve had so many lovely messages, and cards and gifts, which has been amazing. I’ve also had offers of help. It’s hard to know sometimes what people can do or say to help, even for me. On this note, there is a good blog I want to recommend written by Kate Gross. I’m not recommending it because her story is similar to mine, although there are similarities, and I don’t want to scare people by posting it here. I do not think of myself as ‘dying’, I know I may have many more years left. I am posting it because of the useful advice she gives to her friends and family about how to act around her, and how to help. The blogger died of colon cancer last year and wrote lots of blogs and a book called ‘Late Fragments’. This one is called ‘What to say to a 35-year old mother dying of cancer”, and I recommend having a read http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/womens-life/10832932/What-to-say-to-a-35-year-old-mother-dying-of-cancer.html
One thing I find amazing about this whole experience, is how the human brain adapts and accepts things. After the initial diagnoses of having advanced ‘incurable’ cancer, I couldn’t imagine being able to go on with my life as I have. I think that’s one of the reasons the first chemo was so hard- because emotionally I was having trouble accepting the whole situation. But very soon after that, somehow you start to get your head around it. Positivity and fun are possible, and can be even better than normal because you’re so grateful for it. Obviously there are still times when the negativity takes over, but the majority of the time things are OK.
Thanks for reading.
