Morning everyone just though I'd share a bit more of my journey so far.
Not only do you have to deal with your feelings regarding your cancer but you have to deal with everyone else's feelings about your cancer. I was conscious when entering a room that the atmosphere went from high to low in 1 second. All heads would tilt and the pity would be seen from their eyes. Some people would come up and ask you how you are but not wanting to know the truth that you had an awful day and others would just ignore you. Pity was the reason no one in work knew about my cancer apart from my boss until I left the office to have my op. I preferred people to be nasty to me than give me pity. I was giving myself enough of that without others giving me more!
The day I was diagnosed the first thing that came into my head was I am not going to see my kids getting married or having kids of their own. It felt like a death sentence. My wonderful surgeon tried to tell me how it wasn't and that there were more success stories out there than bad ones. I remember looking at him and thinking well you are not the one sitting here with this horrible disease that is going to take your life. Which I know is unfair as he deals with it day in day out but that was how I felt.
That night we took the decision to tell the boys as I didn't want them hearing from someone else and not having the facts. It was awful one of the hardest things in all this but you know what.....kids are amazing we don't give them enough credit. Yes one went into meltdown and the other didn't speak but an hour later they were back to fighting and arguing and 3 days later my son, the one who didn't speak when we told him about me, was explaining to me how cancer begins. He said it was when a cell in your body wants to be naughty and asked the other cells to join him. Which basically is correct.
I also told my mum that night which was interesting. Obviously it was the last thing she expected to hear but after a couple of minutes she said a woman from the church had 'it' and she had both boobs removed. Thanks for that mum that is just what I wanted to hear but it made me laugh at the same time. Later she told me she thought I was going to tell her I was pregnant! Good old mums telegraph, by the time we left my mums and got home (which took about 20 mins) I received about 10 text messages from the family telling me how sorry and shocked they were about my news. I know they were just being nice and telling me they were thinking about me but it just made me even angrier as I was thinking you are shocked how do you think I am feeling I am the ome with cancer at only 42.
I am not an angry person but everything about cancer was making me angry which meant I was angry at myself for being angry. It was at this stage Mr Mind moved up a level to make himself known to me. I was also angry about how this was affecting everyone else. I was angry at people when after my op people stopped texting the same - hold on are you forgetting I have cancer. I was angry at people when they said you look well - it is called a face you put on in front off people. No one could do right from doing wrong which made me even angrier. It's a wonder I've any friends left and my husband deserves a medal for just sitting there and watching his wife turn into an insane angry monster before his eyes.
My husband didn't know what to do as he couldn't do a thing about it. For a while he was doing everything to help me even handing me my cup of tea every time a took a drink. I even got my raised beds finished in the garden! Maybe then was the time to ask for a pair of Jimmy Choo shoes!
Dont worry I did return to my normal self just in time for the crying stage to take over........
