Two weeks never went so slowly

2 minute read time.

FormerMember

27 Mar 2016

Yesterday it was three weeks since Pete left home in the ambulance, for what turned out to be the last time. We were so sure he would be home in a few days, he had not been in hospital except for the three operations. Tomorrow it is two weeks since he died.

There never seemed to be enough time to do all that we wanted, but now time hangs heavy. These last two weeks, since all the rushing around andworrying and fearing came to an end, have gone so slowly. I wander around in a daze, not able to concentrate on anything for more than a few minutes. The pain is always there, the feeling that half of me is missing. Sometimes it sharpens into agony, and the tears come. I am trying so hard not to look into the future or the past, just to get through each day.

Last night I went to see my friend Mike who has kidney cancer and his sister, who is looking after him for a few days. Two other people that Pete and I knew were there, Pete and Mick used to talk rugby for hours. Jude has just had a recurrence of breast cancer after years and is on chemo. She was very kind, we did lots of hugging and got drunk. For a few hours I was, not happy, but not desolate. It struck me this morning tha when Pete was first diagnosed, I stood between Mike and Jude, and they comforted me as they were both cancer survivors, Mike having had Hodgkin's disease thirty years ago. Just 18 months later, Pete has gone and they are both fighting cancer again. It is very hard to feel optimistic about the future, life seems so bloody unfair.

I saw a counsellor at the hospice last week, I hit a period of real despair and just had to talk to someone. She was very good, let me cry and sob. Gently questioned me to find out if I was a suicide risk. I don't think I am, my dogs need me. She suggested keeping a journal of my feelings and memories, so that I can look back and see the progress I'm making. I've found a really nice bound book that I bought for Pete but which he didn't use, and I have started writing in that. Mostly just saying how unhappy I am at the moment, but I hope that some good memories will get noted soon.

Really struggling with the long holiday weekend, from the way up site and the groups on here, it looks like many people are. What a lot of sadness there is in the world. I suppose I should be grateful that I reached 53 before I really experienced it.

FormerMember over 8 years ago

Hi effiebee,hope I've spelt it right,I've been reading your posts over the last few days,I'm trying to get myself prepared for the inevitable.My husband Alan was diagnosed with stage 3 bowel cancer in November of last year we were told that after surgery all was clear and that he would need 6 months chemo just I case.Mopping up as they called it,cut a long storey short we were told last week that the cancer has now spread to his kidney and that its inoperable,I did what I think now and ask if he was now terminal and was told that it has now shortened his life but by how long we don't no until this Thursday.Im now preparing myself for that day when I walk through my front door alone,I'm beating myself up already and I eel so guilty for thinking to far into the future.Youve made me realise that I'm not alone in all of this and that if and when the time comes I will deal with it.You sound so strong and I'm sure that as each day,week,month passes you will gain more strength to cope and bare this new life you now have.We too have an old dog banjo and I'm sure he knows something isn't right,I guess I'm gonna need him more and more over.I just want to say thank you for showing me that I'm not alone and that I can get through this.Be strong always Shirley xxx
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FormerMember over 8 years ago

Effiebee, just wanted to send you hugs and prayers at such a painful time. I can't add any words of wisdom but wanted you to know that I'd read your blog and am very moved by your words, thoughts and memories. Take the time you need, cry, shout, laugh and talk. Remember your beloved Pete in any way you want to. It's cruel sometimes how time marches on around you whilst your life has been changed. I send you warm wishes and as much strength and hugs as Much as can through this virtual post. Take care Clare
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FormerMember over 8 years ago

Hi Effiebee, I've read your blog several times and was unsure how to put the emotions I feel when reading it into words... I wanted to say how my heart breaks when I think of the emotions you are dealing with. We are approaching a similar outcome and have now been told to make the most of this year... And every day we have. Easier said than done of course in the circumstances when my hubby is too weak to leave the house, I admire your words to concentrate on each day, and to try not to look into the future. So hard... Sending you continued strength and a virtual hug to help you xx
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