Today has been the worst since Pete died. It is 5 weeks ago today that he left home in the ambulance. The funeral was 4 days ago. I don't know why but today I woke at 4am, feeling intensely sad. I could not get back to sleep, and I have kept that feeling all day, incredibly sad about everything. The life that Pete has been cheated out of. The loss of our future. The fact that I will grow old without him. He was 8 years older than me, I always thought that I would be alone at some point, but not at 53. I can't contemplate maybe 30 years on my own, but no-one could replace him. Just don't know what to think or to hope for. Everything is setting me off today. The books he bought to read while on the chemo which he never got to take. The new clothes he bought. Even the bloody jar of peanut butter, I had some today and the last time it was used was by him. Pathetic, I know, but I cannot help it today.
Please god let tomorrow be better.
