Well things have moved on a bit and now I am getting frightened. Got some pills for myself but have been unable to take them because if I do, I can't drive. It's now Wednesday. On Saturday I called the oncology help line as Pete was so ill. He was taken in to hospital as an emergency, 8 hours to be admitted, spent 36 hours in a hell-hole called the Acute Medical Unit, a windowless chaotic basement. They eventually shoved him out of there on to a surgical ward so they met their target but it didn't help him as it was the wrong ward and they could not get doctors in the right disciplines, and the nurses are not used to dealing with cancer patients. Finally on Monday night he got on to the oncology ward. So much better, daylight, staff lovely and reassuring, doctors in sight at least occasionally. He has been on penicillin which seems to be helping, and his feet and ankles are the least swollen they have been for weeks. An ultrasound test didn't show anything so they did a CT scan yesterday, should hear more today. He is still unable to get out of bed, exhausted and feeling bloated, with a yellow tinge to his skin and eyes, so something is up. ECG normal, which is something. He is always so optimistic and positive, but even he is starting to worry that he has gone downhill too far to get back to a more normal state.
As for me I am knackered, lonely and scared. I have the dogs and my mum at home, but she is 84 and goes to bed as soon as I get back from the hospital, worn out by dog-sitting. Don't want to load on her too much anyway. No local friends or neighbours to talk to, only local friend is going into same hospital next week for op to remove stage 3/4 kidney cancer, so he is very unwell and I can't ask him for help. Macmillan key worker nurse has been crap, phones up periodically to ask how things are and that's it. No offers of help, advice. Community Macmillan nurse also not much good so far, got Pete the PIP but won't come near us until he comes out of hospital.
Before we got together I lived on my own for a few years and liked it. Then I was in work and surrounded by friends. Now, no longer working and without a local support network, coming back to this house when he isn't here feels so wrong, lonely and cold and I don't want to do anything other than cry. Is this a rehearsal of what it will be like? I read the heartbreaking posts on the bereaved spouses thread to get some idea of what people experience when their loved one dies, and I am already going through a lot of it. Will this make it any easier when the time really does come? At the moment I have the focus of getting to and from the hospital and at least seeing Pete, even if he is asleep a lot of the time. On the other hand, I am constantly worrying and what-if ing. Can't eat very well, not sleeping well. What a bloody mess.
I so want him to come home. Trying hard not to look too far ahead, just be pleased at every minor improvement and keep praying that we will have some more good times together.
