After the funeral

3 minute read time.

FormerMember

6 Apr 2016

I have had some really lovely comments to my previous posts. Most unexpected, but very gratefully received. I haven't been able to read other blogs yet, I am too close to tears all the time. Will try to reply to the comments soon,but not strong enough today. Some of them are in the same position, or expect to be. It is so heartbreaking, so much pain and sadness.

Yesterday was the funeral. I was expecting 50 people, but 75 came. Most of them from where we used to live, or from Pete's university rugby team. They came hundreds of miles and spent loads of money on b&b, and I am so grateful to them all. I have been having real trouble eating and sleeping, and was unable to stop shaking yesterday morning. This got worse and worse, my mum thought I was nervous about reading the eulogy! She really does not understand. The service went just as I wanted it to. I had to make it all up as Pete had never discussed it. I managed not to break down until I reached the last couple of sentences of my eulogy. Then one of his rugby friends of 40 years told a couple of funny stories, and then he started to cry. It was very, very moving.

I was out with our friends the night before and the night after. It felt very odd to be in the group on my own, but not too bad. They were actually my friends before Pete arrived, perhaps that helped. I thought I would be really bad once they had all gone home today and I was alone again, but actually I was quite glad when they went. They were all talking about their forthcoming holidays and plans, and it really hurt. Pete and I had not even been out for a day for over a year, and now I have nothing to look forward to. I know they didn't mean to be insensitive, but it was really upsetting.

This afternoon I have been trying to do stuff rather than just sit around feeling sad, with varying success. Keep bursting into tears without warning. Very, very difficult to think of a reason for carrying on. I know I must not think like that, but I do. I forced myself to cook some food, haven't eaten properly for weeks. Maybe that, no alcohol and a good night's sleep will help. I just miss Pete so much, I want to see him and talk to him and I know that will never, ever happen again. He would have so enjoyed seeing everyone again, he would have been in there drinking the beer and singing the songs. Instead of which he is now a pile of ash.

I am so bloody lonely. There is nothing I can do, nothing I can think of, which doesn't lead back to Pete. We did everything together so there is nothing that is just mine, nowhere I can go that I didn't go with him. God, I hope this eases up soon. I daren't look further ahead than bedtime. If I think about tomorrow, the panic starts. And then the day after that, and after that ...... On and on for ever with nothing to enjoy, nothing to look forward to, and no Pete to share it with.

I hope that I will read this again in a month or two and feel embarrassed at the self-pity. But right now this is how it feels. Just relentless, grinding misery. Putting it in writing helps and I don't understand why. I have a friend on this site who lost her husband a week before Pete died. She is younger and has children, but we are very similar in other ways and in what we're going through, and have been keeping each other going. I am so grateful to her, I just hope that I am helping her as much as she helps me.

FormerMember over 8 years ago

I am so sorry this bloody awful disease has ruined your life, or, the life you thought you would be sharing with Pete. My life has changed beyond recognition since Mick is not here with me. I have done something however small every day since he left 5 weeks ago, sometimes wonder why I bother but the alternative is to sit in the chair all day, which is a, not me and b would really worry Mick. So, the days, nights, weeks, months will be hard and sometimes unbearable but, they will I'm sure be less painful. Everytime I thought of Mick i would cry but for a few days i have smiled at happier memories. The tears are very close to the surface.

There are so many things I want to tell him, silly things he wouldnt even have been interested in if id told him so i talk to the cats about them. They have been giving me some very strange looks.

hope the days get easier for you. With love and understanding. Jasmin xx.
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