Today it's exactly a week since he went. At 8 am I was for the first time lying on his side of the bed. I had no choice, as my elderly terrier had leaked all over my side while I was letting the other dogs out. Perhaps that was fate, but it made me feel closer to him. So, that's a week of firsts over with, first Tuedsay, Wednesday ....first week without him.
Although it is a week since he died, the last 10 days were so awful that I had really lost him when he went into hospital. I haven't been particularly angry up till now, but I am starting to feel anger against the hospital for the way they dealt with him. He was stranded on the Acute Medical Unit for two days, then shunted onto a surgical ward. It took them 4 days to get scans and 5 days to get him onto the Oncology ward, and there told him almost straight away that it was a massive spread into his liver and that his chances were almost non-existent. At least they left him some hope with that 'almost'. Stupid things like shunting him off into a cold dark side room to die out of sight of the rest of the ward. Not telling me when he was moved. Not telling me that I could visit him at any time, so I lost precious hours with him and he was on his own. At least the hospice treated him with compassion and dignity, for which I will forever be grateful.
The last week has been grey and monotonous. The dogs have kept me going, get me out of bed and out in the fresh air three times a day. I put on a lot of weight while I was with Pete, he was a big man and loved his food, but now I have lost all interest in it. Walking the dogs and not eating properly I have shed two stone since Christmas. Normally I would be thrilled, but at the moment I cannot see the point. He's not here to say 'Slim Jim!' and tell me I look a million dollars (I don't).
Still two weeks to go until the funeral. Must get round to writing a eulogy. Been mulling it over while walking, but always end up crying. Printed off loads of photos, we both hated having pictures taken so the ones I have generally involve him doing something with a dog or looking at a view, but there are a couple where he is looking at the camera and smiling. I am going to stick them all on a board to have at the reception.
And the worst thing today ...... I overdid the alcohol last night, I was feeing so down. So today I feel like shit on top of feeling like shit. Memo to self ...... do not drink too much.
