5 days into the next part of my life

2 minute read time.

FormerMember

18 Mar 2016

Pete passed away at 8 am on Monday, March 14th. I was with him, talking to him, kissing him. Just me and him as he always wanted us to be when he was alive. I have varied between numbness and truly profound sadness since. I really never knew anything could hurt this much.

I am desperate to talk to someone about those last awful hours, I have never seen anyone die before and I cannot get the images out of my head. I can't see past them to visualise Pete, my lovely man.

I have read elsewhere on this site of people thinking that if they just did this, or got through that, their loved one would be back. I am the same, I feel like I am working towards something, maybe his funeral, and that after that it will all be back to normal. I know this is rubbish and keep telling myself that the old normal has gone, I need to build a new one, but my brain will not behave. The last three months were a time of escalating anxiety and fear, and now it has all been replaced by emptiness. No appointments, no pills, no watching and worrying. I feel very lost and alone, my only company apart from the dogs is my mother, who is frail and who I cannot talk to about all of this. I do have contact with friends via email and Facebook, and that is what is keeping me sane right now, but again I cannot burden them with the full depth of my unhappiness.

The thing I keep coming back to is that this is all too soon. The prognosis just before Christmas was 3 months without treatment, 6-12 months with chemo and radiotherapy, probably more as long as the brain metastases were controlled. Well,we zapped the brain mets and had just started chemo, but he still survived less than 3 months and died almost exactly 18 months after initial diagnosis. The cancer suddenly spread into his liver, a scan at the end of January was clear, but 5 weeks later a second scan showed that his entire liver was riddled, and there were new tumours in his lungs. All our efforts at fighting the disease gone for nothing, our plans for getting him through chemo, our hopes for a good summer, all gone. So many things left unsaid, because he was going to get better.

Crap.

FormerMember over 8 years ago

hello effiebee, I am so sorry for your loss, and can only imagine the desolation and loneliness you are experiencing right now.

All the months of chemo, scans fresh hope and then disappointment and dispair, all this in a relatively short space of time, and now the emptiness.

All I can say to comfort you is he will not have to suffer any more and go through any more indignity and you will not have to watch the person you loved most in the world suffer in that way,he is at peace, and now somehow you have to pick up the pieces and resume a life , without him.

I have been through the heartache of bereavement as I am sure many people on this site right now have too, and it hurts like hell.!!!!!!

If we could all get together and give you a big group hug, I'm sure we would.

Please do keep coming on, and telling us all how you feel, we are here for you to listen and comfort you, you are never alone, I will always be happy to chat as I'm sure we all will.

I am sending you all my love and hugs, be brave,#

Jean.xxxxxxx
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