My mother died 4 years ago from thyroid cancer, followed by grandmother who died last year from pancreas cancer. The devastation I feel is not only from my own feeling of loss and emptiness, but I feel even worse for my father and my siblings. I feel like I can't talk to anyone about my feelings because I don't want to worry them. Unfortunately I have had instances where I feel so heavily depressed that I have cried in front of them, and that makes me feel so guilty. So guilty that I have to burden them with my emotions and feelings. I have very good periods of weeks where I am so happy and joking but it comes crashing down every now and again. It crushes me. I feel like each time I crash it is getting worse. I refuse to go to a therapist as they don't understand you, they would only put you on anti-depressants.
I feel like I may soon crack under the weight of my own depression and I am afraid of what will happen if my family finds out, I don't want them to feel bad for me or waste their thoughts and energy on helping me when I am sure they have their own feelings to deal with. I'm at a loss of what to do. I loathe my job, am starting to edge away from socializing and going out and have started to lie about how I feel to my boyfriend.
It gets so bad I didn't eat dinner tonight as I lost my appetite and wouldn't talk to my dad about how I feel when I started crying. I feel disappointing in myself for worrying him. I'm at a loss for what to do. I'm starting to feel like my life is going to be this sad and meaningless forever. I'm at a loss.
I'm sorry for worrying you dad.
