Soooo this week has been full of ups and downs, the memories, the emotions...I don’t know how to feel, should I be feeling anything, I’m not out of the woods yet so is there actually anything to celebrate.. half of me wants to go ‘Hell Yeah you made it to a year since your diagnosis’ and the other says ‘Don’t count your chickens just yet’
A Bit Of My History
It’s been a year since I was rushed into hospital, after a blood test showed I needed immediate attention. My naivety of the situation at the time was quite comical as I joked with the nurses and doctors.. it was the first time in my 49 yrs on this earth that I had ever had to spend a whole night in a hospital...little did I know I wouldn’t leave for 3 months.
After my second round of chemo, I went into remission but the chemo had damaged my heart and lungs, I was supposed to be going straight to London to have my stem cell transplant but after the initial work up, they decided I wasn’t healthy enough, I needed to improve my heart and lungs or I would never get through it.. I remember being so disappointed, my plan was to get back to work ASAP, nope that didn’t happen and after 5 months of Aza injections, another two work ups, I’m still awaiting my SCT and I lost my job.
Anyways, today my mind is in overdrive, I have an appointment with my consultant in London on Monday and I have no clue how the conversation is gonna go. Last time I spoke to her the plan was to keep having the Aza injections until my health had improved and then, if it has, they would go ahead with the SCT. This was a good plan until my appendix ruptured (I know, could anything else life threatening happen).. I haven’t had any Aza injections for two months now and i just can’t get my mind to shut up.. What if I’ve relapsed? What if I have to start all over again? I’m a fighter but I don’t know if I can do it all again. There is a wonderful part of my mind that I like a lot because she always tries to override these thoughts with positive, happy ones but she’s getting quieter by the day and my hearing just isn’t what it used to be.
So today I decided to listen to the quiet one and start this blog, she needs to be heard and maybe this is my way of letting them both have a say without the inner turmoil I have inside... on Monday I will find out what my future holds, I knew this journey wasn’t going to be a walk in the park but I’ll be damned if I’m going to let it destroy the happy go lucky person I was and will be again.
