Making decisions has never been one of my strong points...
Anybody who knows me, knows I’m the people pleaser. Every decision I have made for as long as I can remember has always been based around keeping as many people around me as happy as possible even if it meant squishing my own thoughts to the bottom of the pile where they tended to get lost or forgotten amongst the more louder verbal opinions of others.
‘It is true and I’m sure I’m not alone with this but when you are diagnosed with any life threatening disease.. that little voice... the one your mum always told you to keep quiet unless it had something nice to say, suddenly becomes very loud and naughty. Unfortunately, or not, depending on how you feel, it takes over your whole vocabulary with words and expressions that I would never, ever have said out loud. My brain goes into selfish mode or should that be ‘I could be dead tmrw so I don’t give a sh** what you think of me’ mode... my opinion will be heard.
BUT my sad habit of a lifetime kicks back in and I quietly apologise for my outburst and blame it on my illness... it seems my illness has a voice that I just can’t seem to find in myself.
Well, after seeing my consultant yesterday and hearing the news that I have finally kicked the last of the cancer cells out of my marrowfat, that naughty voice piped up with ‘ Well I ain’t going as well, you’re stuck with me ‘ ... I will admit I have enjoyed her company and think I would be lost without her sometimes, so I have decided she can stay and advise but hopefully on a slightly less outburst-ish way, although no promises made that that will be the case...She tells me it’s good for you to let it out sometimes lol.
I left my consultants office not sure whether to laugh or cry ... yay I’d beaten the bugger but I now had to make a decision as to what to do next... up to this point I had gone along with whatever I was told to do, after all they know best .... and secretly I didn’t want them to ask me to make a decision, I don’t do that, I don’t trust myself to pick the right path... jeez that means taking responsibility for something... in this case my quality of life after whatever treatment I choose... neither of which is guaranteed the wanted results at the end... no-one wants to make that choice. Then the naughty one piped up ‘ Oi ! Ask everybody else like you always do! Then I’ll make the decision’ ...guess that would kinda let me off the hook hehe.
So we are on a quest to find the answer to my dilemma ... I’m asking everyone I know what they think and she questions everything they say... hopefully I’ll find an answer that we can both live with going into our unknown future together ....but in the mean time I apologise to everybody for my naughty inner voice who just gets louder every day and really doesn’t seem to care who she upsets... at the moment she thinks her opinion is more important and maybe I’m inclined to agree..don’t tell her I said that lol
Here’s to hopefully making a right decision x
