So at the age of 43 i found out i had breast cancer. Now you can think "oh that's so unfair" and "i am so sorry" but life is i am afraid, unfair and never sorry. Instead of having another baby (that most of my friends where at that point ) i had cancer. So when my oncologist informed me that this will be at least a nine month to a year battle i took it stoically, instead of having a baby i was going to have to fight cancer. A lot of worrying and pain involved in both and the end results would be instead of giving life to one would be saving a life, my life.
And the year passed and we are at the end of the rainbow, so what now? What is this life i have inherited through the most horrendous fight of my life? Because for sure thus is not MY LIFE. All of a sudden everything had to be reevaluated and adjustments needed to be made and everyone keeps very kindly reminding that i am still here. But here is a question for you AM I , ARE YOU? i don't think so, i cannot do the things i love anymore with my child, I cannot hold my child and lift him up when he is hurt, i cannot eat what i like anymore and cook what i want to cook anymore (yes i do think real butter needs to used ) and i don't look the same as i used to look anymore. I cannot have fun and socialise the same way anymore, i have become the one that goes home early not the one that used to say hi to the sun rising.
So forgive me when i say that i have issues with the life that i saved (not meaning to sound ungrateful).
I am writing this blog in the hope it will be a cathartic experience for me so join me, read me, comment and lets take a walk together.
With my deepest admiration for each and everyone of you
Marina
