It's been 32 days since I found out I have a tumour in my rectum after going for a colonoscopy, after my toilet habit changed over the past few months and I had one episode of blood clots on my toilet paper.
It's been 23 days since I was told it was cancer and 21 days since I was told it was T3.
It was a shock when I was first told about the tumour, I broke down in tears and was in disbelief. I remember saying to the nurse "but I haven't lost weight" as they say one of the symptoms of cancer is unexplained weight loss, well I've been putting weight on.
As the nurse told me, some people get no symptoms with cancer. I went home with my husband devasted, especially when I was told it's been there for quite a while.
My CT scan and MRI scan were booked quickly, but the wait for the results was unbearable. The anxiety, fear and awful thoughts of dying overwhemled me. The thoughts were not about myself as I'm not afraid to die. It was about my family, my husband and children........ Although my children are grown up, the thought of them being without their mum was devastating. My one thought was I cannot leave them behind, I will not let them go through the loss of their mum/wife.
I broke down on the 3rd day after my colonoscopy, screaming..... I'd rang my boss and left a message on her phone apologising for not being at work. Then as I put the phone down I began to sob and from the pit of my belly I felt grief growing an aching and anger began to build until I couldn't hold it in any longer and I screamed so loud over and over. In my head my sane mind was saying stop, but I couldn't until I felt the anger leave and I was left with a feeling of numbness.
After my consultant meeting where I was told that I needed chemo and radiotherapy to shrink the tumour before they can remove it. I've had blood tests, more CT scans and hospital appointments.
My family have been wonderful, so supportive and loving. My work colleagues and my boss have been amazing. I've never worked for a company that sends you so many flowers. My friends have been such a source of strength for me too.
I start chemo and radiotherapy next week, I'm eager for it to start and get things moving. I have 6 weeks of it every week day.
My mind now is trying to work all this out, it's finally sunk in as I was going around in disbelief. I'm feeling very low most of the time, I'm in pain and it can be hard to remain positive. But I am one of the lucky ones, I've been told it's treatable.
The consultant told me I've had this growing in me for anything from 7-10 years, possibly more! That's just crazy! And that's how dangerous Cancer is, as it can sneak up on you without warning, while life is going well, and you notice a small hiccup, and then POW! It hits you right in the face.
