Ok. So this is as far as I've got.
Before I begin. I need to tell you I have trouble spelling so if the words are miss spelt I apologise now. However I felt that I needed to write this or I'm gonna emotional burst.
I had a biopsy 2 weeks ago and almost to the day my phone rang asking me to attend a hospital appointment to discuss my result with a specialist nurse.
The main thing I managed to get from searching on the internet was that any news was generally given by a Doctor. So I resigned myself to the fact that I was probably going to get an educational chat about how to check my moles and what to look out for in the future, as I'm covered in them....
How wrong was I.
So it turns out a specialist nurse does deliver the cancer news.
Trying to be brave as my husband attended this appointment with me my eyes and inner emotions had a different idea and I just cried.
Unsure what was said to me I just kept thinking what, omg, have they made a mistake????
I sat there nodding and showing I was listening but, no I wasn't.
The nurse gave me a booklet and showed me how to check my lymph nodes. ' I think that's what she showed me.' as I read one of the enclosed leaflets explaining a couple of days later after I'd build my courage to actually open them. She also informed me that I will need a WLE to make sure they have everything.
Since then the last few days have been a complete world wind of emotion. Having Previously been the career for a close family member and supported a strong amazing friend who has battles and survived. This has stirred up some pretty strong emotions within me.
I'm normally calm and dont get rattled easily by situations or people. But this last few day since that meeting I've cried, am so anxious about everything. I went out for a meal and got really picky about the way they should serve it to me and become agitated at the slightest thing. Because I work in a small team I had to tell my boss at work that I needed some time off to sort myself out and I didn't think I should work in a stressful environment within a small team in my current state. Well I asked for a private meeting and from the start of this normal professionalism just left me. I cried like a baby in my meeting informing her I was having trouble wearing a bra because the internal stiches from my biopsy still hurt. After a half hour meeting of me trying to explain I needed some time and once I've had the procedure I would need some time to recover. My boss just stared at me.... then suggested I wear a sports bra instead.
She was so professional. I formed her that I currently wasn't in a good emotional place to be working and needed time to get my head together and that I would also need time after the WLE to recover. She said she would inform HR and that they would keep a confidential record of this and that I would have to be risk assessed.
'Is being having to have a risk assessment standard practice?'
I had it quite clear I didn't want anyone to know. Just say I'm off sick.
She thanked me for coming to see her in person and said I was a strong women. When I enquired why she said that she informed me most people would have emailed.....
Omg.... emailed... I could have crafted a professional email stating facts.
Instead I bared my soul for the sake of wanting to explain in person.
After the meeting I got in the car and went to pieces.
I doubt they'll let me back in the building again without a professional evaluation.
I can only sum up the stress of the last week, as having very high anxiety 'which I've never had before', my hair is falling out because of the stress. 'Which is again a first for me' and bearing my soul to my boss, which will probably cost me the promotion I had worked so hard for.
I dread to think what next week will bring.
