TUESDAY 12th JULY 2016
ok so here goes nothing, I'm going to start a new diary on my phone so that I can update it as I go, I'll print it off then add it to my real diary, just not got the time to sit a write without the girls screaming at me to draw on it lol!
So to get u up to date my dad 6 months ago started to pee blood, he went to the doctor and was referred for the camera up his arse. So he went to larbert hospital for this very routine operation to inflate his bowl and put a camera in to check what was wrong. The surgeon accidentally tore a hole in his bowl and patched it up making the operation more serious. Once back in the ward my dad didn't seem right and his surgeon checked him, he was then rushed into emergency theatre as the patch hadn't worked and the gas used to inflate his bowl had leaked out thru the tare. His x ray showed shadows around his heart, his throat swelt like bubble wrap and his voice was like donald duck. After his emergency operation he was attached to a ventilator breathing for him. I wasnt aloud to see him like this. I've seen the pic and that's bad enough. He then needed an operation on his bowl, this left a huge scar down the middle of his stomach and He had part of his bowl in a bag. He then went for the reversal operation and that went successfully but they cut an artery and had to patch it. Once home my dad still wasn't right, in alot of pain! I mean a lot! He wasn't eating! He couldn't sit. He couldn't play golf which is kind of his life! Everyone said give it time .. Time? He went in for a fucking camera up his arse n comes out with a huge scar, no life, in pain and slipping into depression after nearly fucking dying cause of their fuck up!!!! We tried everything! Herbs, painkillers, hash cake, massage, acupuncture and kcr treatments to get rid of the pain in his coccyx and nothing worked. Went to hospital a and e and they gave him an injection of tramadol n sent him packing. Back to the doctors again to be sent back in for a CT scan. So up to last week. On the Sunday me, mum,my aunt and the girls went up to south uist to visit my great aunt and cousin, first time the girls have been up and honestly they loved everything about it especially the beaches and the funny language lol. They had a ball. We all did and it was great being able to get a picture of the girls with my aunt, a generation pic. So had a great Time and headed home. This is the day dad gets his CT scan so obviously we are all a bit anxious. Outside fort William dad phones and it comes thru the Bluetooth of the car. He has to go for a biopsy. After that we stopped in mcdonalds and the whole car ride to there and eating the meal my mum never said a word! I told her it would b fine ect but she was convinced dad had cancer! No he doesn't. It could b a hematoma a hernia a blockage!! It could b anything Jst chill!!! Managed to calm her down a bit. The next day dad had his biopsy. Now keeping in mind my dad is 2 stone lighter, not slept for months because of the pain, basically became a hermit, had how many men's fingers up his arse, loads of scans, all the bloods have came back fine, nothing wrong with him …. Now the results show he had aggressive cancer in his rectum, ribs, spine,coccyx, liver and bones. I was told the surgeon cried. They operated and removed a cyst from his groin. He was sent home with the painkillers he should have had months ago and for the first time in months my dad slept pain free. The surgeons are having a meeting on Thursday to discuss a plan of action. Dad is going the homeopathic route for treatment and mum has got ahold of one of my cousins friends that deals with cancer patients with mistletoe treatment, dad's also taking hemp oil milk. Today he was sore, his coccyx, balls and willy are sore with his 4 skin swelling. He's on hefty amounts of painkillers doped up. I feel numb! My daddy is dying, my protector, my ultimate boulder that hasn't ever had a chip out of it is now crumbling into dust and I can't stop it and I can't fix it!! I'm so fucking hurt that I can't help him. He's my daddy. I'm a daddy's girl. The NHS r killing my dad and I can't do fuck all!!! Bastards!!!! I'm so fucking angry with them! All of them!! They haven't Jst hurt him they have handed him the fucking death sentence!!! He's my dad!!!!! Not a number!!! A human being!!!! And u have Jst given him a slow torturous death!!!!! I feel sick. Let down. Angry. heartbroken. Scared. Alone. But u know what that's fuck all compared to what my daddy feels! Fuck u NHS!!!.
Wed 13th July 2016
Well mum and dad have changed doctors .. understandable considering they missed everything .. dad's CT scan of his top half show there is nothing in his lungs but their is in his ribs … still feeling numb and lost.
15th July 2016
So dad got a call and his meeting is on Mon. Another 2 days to wait and c what's going on! The not knowing is driving me mad!! They know and just because it's the weekend they won't c us!!! Why?? Not like hospitals close at the weekend!
Managed to get him manuka honey today £11 a small jar! I don't care! I'd pay every penny I had if I knew my dad would live hate cancer! he's dying! Right in front of me and there's nothing in this shity fucked up world that I can do to stop it! Pray to god? Why? Why the fuck should I pray to an ancient myth fabricated to give people faith??? This so called fucking god and god's actually! Have made everyone that screwed up in the head that some of us humans believe that they can go to “heaven” if they kill each other?? Really??? How fucked up in the head are u to believe in something so fucking stupid!! Not just their god cause the god we are taught about is just as bad! He's meant to protect us? Well only if we do as he says so this fucking fragmented dictator takes your life and turns u into an obsessed horny drunk cult driven maniac that starts preaching his “good word” to recruit more psycho twats! So no! I will not pray to god! We as a family will get him through this! I have faith in nature. It's survived longer than us!
Sun 17th July 2016
Dad has his meeting 2moz and I'm convinced that he's going in to find out how long he has to live … I could b extremely lucky and it's cyst and swelling but unfortunately I'm never that lucky and the biopsy obviously showed cancer or they wouldn't have said it! Shitting it is an understatement! Feels like my emotions have an enemy in their territory and they're freaking the fuck out and don't know what to do! As if they want to run and hide but really they stand up to this alien and mark their territory! And what a battle it is!!! Fingers and toes are crossed for 2moz! I love u mum and dad we can do this!
22nd July 2016
So dad had a meeting today in at larbert for his treatment plan. He has chosen the chemotherapy that will give him a better way of life, so he can golf etc. It's the same with the stent he's hoping to get it in his chest rather than his arm, this is so they can get the chemo straight in. So he starts his chemo on Friday but on Thursday he is going in to get a dye put through him and a full body scan taken. Then he will meet a group of people that will be doing the chemo along with him, don't think it's a good idea to watch the people around you suffer and die but dad wants to lol there will be a tym for him to ask all the questions he wants but there again why in a group of people suffering! I want my dad optimistic not depressed!!! Anyway he then begins the chemo on Friday. His chemo is hoping to kill 60% of the cells, 1 day at hospital getting it then he will come home with a box that will put it through him, then the nurse will come the next day and flush it out and then he is off it until the following Friday. This goes on for 6 months. On his second chemo at the hospital they put a different chemical through him and hope it kills 70% of the cells. He cant be cured yet they can kill most of it? Not all of it??? How???? So in between this he will be getting mistletoe treatment to counteract the chemotherapy. My hubby my boulder (in fact that really is a fucking understatement cause most men would have done a runner by now but he stays strong and listens and helps!!!! He managed to get mangosteens - super fruit.. medicinal … it has xanthones and there are only 200 known to mankind and 20 of them are in this fruit! This cancer killing fruit!!! Rare,hard to get ahold of and banned in some countries but my amazing husband managed to get some imported from holland!!! I love you hubby !!!!!!!!!!!❤❤❤
So doctors have said he could have six months or 20 years to live depending on how much dad fights! He will never stop fighting! And that's what hurts! It's actually breaking his heart …. I need to watch my daddy deteriorate and die, fight and get knocked back time and time again … I need to watch him suffer because of his treatment! I don't want him on chemo but it's all because of that fucking mistletoe!!!
Fri 29th of July 2016
Ok so dad was in hospital on Thursday getting a stent put into his heart so he could start the chemo. He looks so drained and weak. Being in a ward with other cancer patients is even more frightening. Surreal. There is a very thick atmosphere. Seemed like dad Just wanted out of there and not just for the appointment he had at 4pm with the betson team. Mum is knackered! She's a trooper tho and doing dad proud .. she's the one doing everything!!! On top of working and driving dad everywhere and dealing with his food and tablets and his new chemo!She's holding it together! She's staying strong! She keeping the fight going for my dad!! But when she cracks that's when I step in. I'm the one who wants to take the wrath of the mother! Shouting crying screaming worrying anything and I'm there!!! My brother is in denial and not facing the facts! And me? I'm a fucking mess. Hollow and numb are the only two words I can think of to describe how I feel. So dad got his first chemo today and is now home and in bed. He feels fine, cold at his feet and had the skits but they will give him jags for the skits. He has speckles on his liver. Small bit in his coccyx and another bit on his spine. His rectum. His ribs. His tissue and his lymph nodes but the gland has been removed. They say over the 6 months to kill 70% of it. 60% with one chemical and an extra 10% with another.
30h July
Dad is very tired and feeling hot, temp not to go above 37.5 … he's been sitting in front of the fire tho … mums on high alert to it all .. she's got gran n papa by her side xxxxxx
31st July
Dad seemed very quiet and mum said his hickman line had been bleeding …
3 Aug
Dad's bn into larbert this morning to get the radiation put thru him, he says he feels fine. He's slept and currently at home having something to eat, back of 2 he gets a scan which will show up where all the cancer is in his body. I'm capping it. I'm walking on eggshells .He was really sore the other day so was back at the doctors yesterday and got his medication upped again. He has had bad diarrhea and pain in his coccyx again. xxx
5th Aug
So we need to wait until next week for the results of the scan..really? Aye it's fine ya know! Jst u all take ur Fuckin tym, it's only another cancer patient to add to the Fuckin list!!!! Move ur polished fucking arse!!! He's a human! He's my dad! N I swear on my kids graces that I'm going to take u the full fucking whack if my d doesn't make it!!! 35 yrs experience n 1 mistake!! 1 fucking mistake that Just so happened to b my dad!!!! My dad! The hulk!!!! At about 5 ft 5 lol! God love him! My wee daddy! Never sits on his arse! Always out working on something.golfing.shooting.football.butcher.binman.rebel.proud.loving. strong.deep.sad.frightened…..He has my papa's eyes! Papa looked at me before he went to hospital and all I could c was fear. My dad has his eyes …
I'm on self destruct mode. I'm losing it slowly. Every hour it's becoming more and more real! I've went from being little miss optimistic to actually taking my pretty pink walls down and letting my heart see and feel the reality of my dad dying, it's as if I've protected my heart from it all and became a study freak! Down to biology!!!! Christ!!! So doc's today I got diazepam to take the edge of and I'm back in on Monday to get bloods taken to check my organs, bone marrow, kidneys etc including stem cells. I want to know if I'm healthy enough to b a donor. If at any point dad needs a transplant for anything! Even blood!! I want to b his first shout. Chin up daddy we will do this. Even tho the doc says months to a years we r going to get longer. Dandelion root tree - my mission xxxx
Wed 10th August
I really feel like I'm on self destruct mode! The kids are driving me fucking mental! Seriously! Not only have they taken everything out of the bathroom (I actually mean EVERYTHING) then continued to cover their room in it. Everywhere. All over the beds, shampoo all over their rocking horses (not silly wee toys but a proper old fashioned sliding rocking horse), bath salts all over the floor, the list is endless. but tonight cracked me!!! All fucking day all I have had is “mummy she hit me!” “mummy I want this/that” “mummy help me!” (to move her juice bottle n she's up the fucking stairs lying next to it) all on top of pulling all the toys I just tied up out scattered, pulled out the extra bed and pulled the duvets down! Scattered jigsaws everywhere and then they both ripped the wallpaper off the wall!!!!!!!! Only reason they little fucking spawn of Satan's aren't decked n buried in the back garden is cause I love them far too much !!! It's 11.13pm n that's them Jst gone to sleep after even fucking more screaming, hyperventilating and fighting!!!!! Now I come down stairs n all I can think of is dad! His birthday tomorrow and I'm not well!!! I cant even kiss n hug my dad on what could be his last ever birthday! I mean seriously!!! If that fucking twat upstairs had any chance of bn real at all!!! Then this would not be happening to me!!!! My life actually couldn't get worse!!! But it is going to!!! Everything in my life now fucking this????? Where the fuck is god? Where the fuck is my almighty saviour? No bloody god would put someone and their family thru this much shit!! Mother nature 2 - god 0
Fri 12th August
So it was dad's birthday yesterday and we had a wee family Chinese, my brother and misses arrived half an hour late, he didn't eat because he had already eaten, sat playing cars on his phone really loud showing dad and then went upstairs to the computer after giving him his present .. slippers!!!! I don't understand how I can be made out to be bad for thinking this is disgusting! What could very well have been my dad's last birthday with us and that's the way my brother treats him!! Me on the other hand I got all dolled up in my diamond heels n blinged out jumpsuit and had the girls in beautiful dresses, dad then started getting sore so we left. Then today was our 5 year anniversary and dad was getting his second chemo .. I had riots wi mum! She doesn't want to speak about it, I'm not aloud to ask questions, they won't find out what stage his cancer is and I'm volcanic!!!!! But there's fuck all I can do! Why do the research when they won't fucking listen!!!! They don't want to talk about it!!! What I think!!! Mum got asked how I was doing “fine”is what she said!!! I deserve a fucking Oscar! !!!! Happy anniversary baby here's to the rest xoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Mon 29th Aug
So been awhile since I wrote but on the plus side not a lot has happened … dad has had his 3rd chemo and seems fine .. tired looking and a bit frail but apart from that he seems fine … fingers crossed xxxxxx
Tue 30th Aug
Dad is very tired, this is his bad day. You can hear it in his voice. That the upstairs bathroom finished Jst getting the plumber now. Mum has been a nippy sweetie ❤ my brother has been off all week and hasn't showed face .
Sat 24th September
Dad's had his 5th chemo yesterday, all went well. He's very tired and felt it cold. So his tumor was sitting at 23.3 (.?) And it is now 16.? His liver etc function is doing great and he has put on weight. He gets a scan after his next chemo. All in all he is still upbeat. Bn golfing and to the pub. Very very tired and frail looking. I'm feeling optimistic. Mums fucked she's on the go from 5am to about 9pm then up when dad's up. My brother is an arse. Signed of for a week cause he hurt his thumb and didn't go c dad! Didn't phone to c how he got on and even tho he was off he never went to the hospital!!!!
12 October 2016
So dad had a bad nyt 2 nights ago, up a fair few times with diarrhea and was very nearly a trip to hospital but thankfully he picked up again. Today he had his first scan since the chemo started … we find out next Friday at his 7th chemo session. Gonna be a very very long wait and I'm going to b crapping it on Friday
2 November 2016
So dad got his result back and the tumor is shrinking but yet again mum n dad never asked the questions I need the answers for so I have no idea where the cancer is, if it's stopped spreading, will he recover? I'm ragein! Mum phoned to tell me the good news but told me because of deep vein thrombosis he now has to take a jag everyday to thin his blood .. wasn't until I spoke to dad that I found out he actually has a blood clot in his lung! Supposedly this is all because of the chemo yet if he wasn't on the fucking chemo he wouldn't have this side effect!! Stalked up on coconuts but still waiting on mark to do something with them. Dad managed a round of golf on Sunday but was crabbit and shattered after it...then last night we had him up to our back garden to watch the fireworks from the football pitch .. it was freezing, He had a coffee and I got a big blanket for him to wear but he refused to watch from the kitchen he stayed out for the whole show … the girls ran riot but when mum appeared she closed the door and it was Just me and dad out the back watching fireworks go off .. I wanted to go sit next to him, I wanted to hold him, cuddle into him but I know if I did I would have broke down, instead I have an amazingly loving memory of me n dad Watching fireworks … no tears or hurt… god this is hard .. I just want him to be ok.. I don't like cn him so frail!!! Chin up daddy we can do this xxxxxxxxx
2nd Jan 2017
Ok so dad has had his 12 chemo and his scan is on the 6th … he needs to get a smaller blast of chemo every 2 weeks from now on (his decision to do it) .. He got nose bleeds, sore ribs and everything tastes like cardboard.
28th February 2017
Dad is very tired, has dry skin, spots, cold feet, he now has pains in his coccyx . we are thinking he might be depressed, he isn't really leaving the house. His tablets are getting dropped to a lower dose and they are changing the jag he takes every morning to a tablet … when this happens he will then be able to drive again. My baby girl has chicken pox so we can't go near .. Mum is past exhausted she's still holding on strong tho and being optimistic xxxxxx
18 April 2017
Dad is very tired, he has his ct scan on the 1st may but he was at doctors today and they think he has water retention so changed his tablets, he was going to phone the cancer doctor but decided to leave it until the ct scan was done .. He is also having bother with his hernia again .. He has chemo on Friday so hopefully find out more then .. Mum is gubbed she's just done my aunts 60th surprise party and now back at work xxxx
24th June 2017
So … Unfortunately my dad relapsed . I don't know how to even begin to describe the pain I felt because he has fought so so so hard and he was doing so well and looking fab!!! Then bang! Like someone kicking you when Ur down ! .. my brother had his son and not named after dad but his mrs papa!!! Volcanic is an understatement!!!! I can c it's hurt dad .. my brother won't even come and c dad because of the neighbours!!!! Dad has to go to him!!!!! HE'S FUCKING DIEING CAMPBELL!!!!!! Inconsiderate bastard!!! I'm ashamed to call him my brother! Dad is crabbit, tired, his leg is sore .. Hoping sciatica but if not they will blast it with radiotherapy … It's back in the lymph nodes and liver and has had his first blast of chemo. I don't know what to do, nothing I can do …. Be optimistic but behind closed doors I'm shattering into tiny pieces …. I want to stick my hand in him and rip it all out!!! He is on proper mistletoe treatment now … I don't know if he has started it tho but if he has I'm not cn a difference .. I love you dad xxxxxxxxxxxxx
4th August 2017
So dad had his scan on Tuesday but we still need to wait for the results. He has been accepted for the mistletoe treatment and begins next Thursday, it's injections that cost about 100 a week but luckily he's got it on the nhs. This is a massive step forward, basically the same as immunotherapy but herbal … If he comes out in a red rash like nettle stings then it's working .. I'm so happy his perseverance with the other therapies are paying off. The nurse struggled to get blood today, mum said his veins might be collapsing. Mum says she doesn't think dad has acknowledged the fact that he is terminally ill and on palliative care, I admire my mum so much! But she needs to get out the house, so does dad!! He needs more optimism and fresh air, he's so tired tho. His birthday is on the 10th so need to buy party hats lol .. so glad I can say that my girls at 5 and 3 years old have stood by their papa, been and seen him in hospital, kept him active and annoyed the fuck out of him like kids are meant to do, my girls know him and love him and already have memories with him A lot of kids don't get that privilege. Love you daddy love your baby girl xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
12th August 2017
So yesterday was dad's birthday and he spent it in hospital on chemo .. a new chemo .. yip dad relapsed again, they went to the pharmacy and were told she can't give them out until the doctor sees dad … Obviously something in his scan … An hour and a half of crapping it went by before the doctor appeared to tell dad his tumor has grown by a centimeter...happy birthday dad!!!!! Fumin!!!! Any way they have changed his chemo because the last one never worked. He has started his mistletoe so the way I c things is it's a fresh start again .. it's eliminated another chemo and with the mistletoe boosting his healthy cells I have faith!!! Love u dad xXxX
9th september 2017
Nearly a month ago was dad's last chemo, his picc line had come out of his heart by a fraction and kept coiling when they tried to replace it, so they are still to put in his hickman line, he can't have chemo without it….so dads thinking what's happening to the tumor if it isn't getting blasted with the chemo, he's getting more and more tired which in my eyes is a sign that it is growing...he is still taking the mistletoe treatment and has had a small reaction which is great news although if we can't get dad up and motivated again instead of sitting watching tv and sleeping he will end up in a deeper depression than he is in now. Mum is fucked! In Fact that's a major understatement. She doesn't stop but i think that's so she's out the house. I have had a few one on ones with her and she is struggling but more with the negativity and boredom … so she works! Dads on a downward spiral and mums slipping with him! Mission mode for “make parents optimistic” lol xxxxxx
19th september 2017
So...eh….positive side first, dads tumor has shrunk going by his blood count… that's about it. My dad actually looks and sounds like he's completely given up. It's breaking my heart, not only to see him so tired,lethargic and lackadaisical but to see him asking how to spell mums name for the anniversary card ..sarah but dad wrote saraha .. he's actually losing it! All he does is sleep, nothing else apart from tv. Mum has managed to get him antidepressants which he needed long ago, he needs motivation!!! Anyway yesterday was a bad bad day! I tried phoning a couple of times but it was engaged so i mailed mum .. no reply .. found out today that dad had taken too many of his sachets (laxido/fybogel?) for his constipation which in turn gave him the runs, he is then in pain so takes a tablet, which reacts with his other tablet and makes the runs worse-very nearly a hospital trip! But in turn his head is mush! I wanna scream and shout at my brother for not making more of an effort but it would cause so much more agro than dad needs just now… this is hard! Xxxxxxxlove u bothxxxxx
Mon 16th October
So dad is now getting shaky hands and really feeling the cold .. I had to heat up his fork for him and dish out his Chinese because he couldn't hold it .. it's breaking my heart..to see him so fragile and weak is soul destroying. Mum's like a pit bull with jaw lock and the lack of sleep she's run down .. there is just so much stress and worry and there's sweet fuck all I can do! My Aunt and uncle came over so that's really cheered dad up and thank fuck mum told them everything about my brother cause he came over with his son n mrs and the Mrs had a glass of wine and chatted away as if everything was all honkey dory yet that's the wee man 4 months old and that's his 4th visit .. i've still not cn him, my own nephew and i can't c him! Campbell needs to grow a set!!! Dads own fucking blood doesn't come near. Does fuck all to help. Hardly keeps in contact. In Fact the list is fucking endless with them both!!!! Am I wrong to care so much about the man who made me? He (and mum) gave me and my brother everything, brought us up and gave us a childhood that let our imaginations be flow .. they gave up their lives to have us!!! And now I have kids of my own I pray to anyone that will listen that my children don't treat anyone or anything the way my brother and mrs have treated my parents. My dad is dying slowly in front if me and all i can do is reassure him that it will be ok! He's fading
Xxxxxxxxxxx
11 november 2017
So dad had a chemo yesterday and today is doing amazing, he even asked mum to go to stirling for lunch!!!! His bloods showed 75? And now they show 18 .. scan on wed but awesome news mistletoe is working .. xxxxxxx
16th November 2017
Dad had his scan yesterday so now need to wait until next Friday on his next chemo day to get the results, he's very tired
Xxxxxx
25th November 2017
So dad got his results….the cancer has shrunk in all the right places which is fantastic news! Actually buzzing!!! So proud of him for standing strong through this horrific ordeal, so proud of mum for standing by him the way she does (everything!!! Dad calls her his nurse lol) but … their is a bit of cancer that the chemotherapy isn't affecting so he is being transferred to Glasgow beatson for radiotherapy 5 days … still optimistic tho! Just a bump in the road and we are all here to catch him. Dad seems fine, mums fucked! She took on another job but all dad does is sleep so mum sees it as that time she could be earning .. superwoman honestly!! And dad's still my warrior lol xxxxxxxxxxx
28th November 2017
Ok so dad had his first radiotherapy today and seems fine. Not even tired and quite chirpy! Even went round Asda with mum after lol..so proud of him .. the bit in his ribs will get blasted with a bit and his coxis .. 2 days down 3 to go ..
Xxxxxxxx
29th November 2017
Today's was long and dad's shattered, he had his scan today and it showed the two bits, one on his ribs at the back and the other isn't his coxis it's just above it. They decided that tomorrow they will blast both but this is going to b hefty on him, he's bn told that he will be sore and left with a red mark for a wee bit, he's sore after this one so I'm dreading tomorrow. He showed me today where they marked him for where he's getting the external radiotherapy and he's scared by the mark...for life...a constant reminder of what he's going thru! He's depressed, quiet, tired, down! Mum's a nippy sweetie and holy fuck she's got a bite! I keep my trap shut! Talking to her today about everything and started asking questions … her temper was rising I could c it but mums like a brick wall and only doctors get over it! So they don't ask the doctors what's happening, they only need the basics for info but that doesn't help me! I need to know the answers to my questions! Has the cancer built an immunity to the chemo? If not why didn't the chemo kill it like all the rest? Is it a different cancer? Could this have been the primary tumour and spread to the rectum? When we found out he was covered so it tane tym for the docs to decide where the primary is...i don't know and I'll never know .. but either way I'm struggling to stay optimistic. Love u daddy xxxxxxxxxxx
Fri 1st December 2017
Dad had his double blast and seems fine, tired but fine...i have read that it could take up to a 3 weeks for side effects to kick in if any. I contacted franky and asked him to phone dad and to get ahold of Ian..they both appeared today for a visit and so did Campbell...so happy … so was dad xxxxxx
6th December 2017
Happy birthday mum ❤ I picked up the wrong card for dad to give u so u got a happy anniversary instead lol my bad … dad had his final radiotherapy on Mon and got to ring a bell after .. so proud of him .. so back to chemo on Friday.. keep up the great work dad xxxxxx
Friday 8th December
Chemo day .. pumped full of steroids again so tired .. calcium level is good and no marks on his back .. 3 months until scan tho xxxxx
Tuesday 2nd January
Merry crimbo and welcome to 2018! So .. dad's back (top) is sore, hes on morphine antibiotics paracetamol and diclofenac but still in agony. He spent Christmas night after a few whiskeys with very bad shakes down his arm and leg, a side effect of the chemo which means it will either need tweaked or changed. Mum told me today that this is chemo no 8 and the doctors don't think he will make 12 so they will either give him another break or change tactics...mums stressing out her but, working her arse of with about 5 jobs and she's shattered and up with dad thru the night! Superwoman!
Xxxxxx
Friday 5th January
Dad phoned the hospital yesterday and got told to come in because of his pain, the tumour is resting against his spine and could cause complications such as paralysis .. he is already loosing the power of his legs, he needs to lie down not aloud to sit up and has literally just arrived in Glasgow beatson for radiotherapy by ambulance from Larbert, mums there but not cn him yet
Xxxxxxx
Wed 10 Jan 2018
So dad has been in the beatson for 5 days of radiotherapy, no pain but he does have to learn to walk again, he has been using a Zimmer and has managed a couple of steps, hoping to put him back to Larbert to do stairs before he will get home..no idea about the tumour yet but it must have shrunk from his spine, he has Defo given us all a fright, including himself..so proud of him, my daddy warrior .. love u ❤ xxxxxxxx
Wed 17th January 2018
Ok so dad's still in hospital at the beatson, he is Doing great tho, well I say great but what I mean is considering the situation he is doing good..physio have given him 10/10 and he is waiting for a bed at Larbert before being transferred, was meant to be today but here's hoping for tomorrow. Larbert will get him doing stairs and all the equipment that is needed is at Larbert.. waiting game! I am on antibiotics for what they think is bronchitis so I have been staying away from dad and the hospital, mum mailed me tonight saying she wants me in to cheer him up .. I said yes this time, mum later said dad had been saying to her that I didn't want to come and c him in hospital, so I went. He looks good, his spiky fluffy hair and a tan from the radiotherapy .. he got up with his Zimmer and showed me his exercises holding on to the window ledge, no muscle, he looks so frail not the daddy I remember, dad has always been strong, fit and muscled, not now . He is getting his picc line out and coming off the chemo thru it and getting the tablet form..his mistletoe is getting upped, don't really know how I feel about it tbh, dads bn on my mind constant and I'm always mailing him, bit of a shock to the system tbh but he's my warrior! Always optimistic ❤ mum is goosed, she has 2 weeks off and is in and out of the hospital like a yoyo on top of the snow blizzards … wonder woman, love her so much❤ xxxxxxxxxxxx
Fri 19th January 2018
Dad's in Larbert now but had to go via Motherwell!!! Now in a room by himself with no tv .. he's not happy xxxxx
Sat 20th January 2018
Dad has been moved to another room with his own tv .. he is buzzin. Physio tomorrow..sitting watching star wars just now xxxxxxx
23rd January 2018
Dad's home, walking sticks bit wobbly xxxxx
Tuesday 30th January 2018
Dad started his chemo tablets yesterday, very tiered, up and about with his walking stick so proud of him xxxxxx
23rd January 31 2018
Happy 33 birthday to me! birthday dinner at belle's, dad made it up and managed his Chinese..his back was sore and looked tired, at least he made it up and out of the house ❤❤❤ love u daddy xxxxxz
Wednesday 21st February
Dad's currently in Larbert. Mum rushed him in yesterday morning, he went to the doctors the day before and was told he had a lung infection and was given antibiotics, he was very tired and coughing, pain in his chest and back. Yesterday morning mum went upstairs and he was shaking, asked mum to phone an ambulance. So .. after a and e he was put to a ward to wait for a bed in oncology, he has pneumonia and on oxygen, just spoke to mum and she said he has specks of cancer in his lung and they are struggling to get his oxygen levels up! I'm not feeling optimistic ryt now, i just want my daddy back! Cancer free! .. I'm numb! I don't know how to feel or act, hubby says he's walking on eggshells but I don't know what to Do? I want to take the pain away from dad but I can't! I want him on shark liver oil but he won't and I don't think the mistletoe is working!!! FUCK OFF CANCER!!!!!!! XXXXXX
22 February 2018
So dad has a suspected ( dad doesn't know but he heard the doc say) collapsed lung..still on oxygen and struggling to breath, because he has an infection the antibiotics are kicking in and he is coughing bringing up phlegm, which is making him sick and when he's sick he is struggling to breath. He had a panic attack this morning and couldn't breath, his blood pressure dropped critically low but they have managed to bring it up, still low tho..i'm mailing him and hes chatting and seems in gd fetel..mum is in and out like a yoyo..inspirational ..love them both so much! Xxxxxx
23rd February 2018
Onwards and upwards, dad's oxygen levels are coming up and everything is levelling out, he's being very sick with the phlegm tho .. he told me today that he has been asked if he wants resuscitated and he said no .. what the hell dad!!! I completely understand why but holy shit!!!!!! They could operate and remove the lung, that would keep him alive!!! Alive but in poor health but alive!!!!! I'm just being selfish and wanting my daddy by my side, but I do! I can't lose my dad! My warrior!! Fuck you cancer!! I mean seriously I fucking hate you! I wanna grab all the cells out my dad's body and stand on them!! Squish Them!!! fucking light them on fire!!!!!!! He has done fuck all wrong so why??? fuck u god! Fuck u cancer and fucking fuck you nhs!!! 2018 and still no cure??? What the fuck?!?!? Heartbroken, my sole is ripped into jaggy edged bits cutting me inside as they float round! Tears from nowhere! I'm sitting listening to the hubby on the phone to his dad and I leave the room .. and topping things off a doctor told dad “with your type of cancer you have a year left to live” YOU FUCKING HEARTLESS PRICK!!!! he isn't a fucking number he is a human! I hope you rot in hell u bastard!!!! He was made to apologise but it's 2 late, why say it if u weren't fucking asked!!!! My dad's fucking petrified fighting for his life and in pain and u think it's acceptable to tell him he has a year!!! A fucking year!!!! Left!!!! My dad had eternity left until u opened ur fucking mouth u twat! …. Ahhhhhh !$@#+$+ anger! Lots of anger! I wanna lash out! I wanna scream from the top of my lungs! I wanna just fucking ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!&$&÷9×, ndiskd!!!!! ……. I'm not coping with this at all! . Come on daddy u can do it
Sunday 25th February 20.02pm
This is my last entry … the family got called for this morning and we were told that there was nothing else they could do for my daddy he was taken of the antibiotics and given morphine in a box and the highest amount of oxygen. I spent about 6 hours with him holding his hand, he called out for me and raised his hand to hold mine he was shaking and sweating but freezing, no colour round his lips .. he knew everything and all he could do is apologise to mum I kissed him on the head and told him I loved him and left … I went for a bath and prayed just prayed my fucking heart out that he could just go, just take him to heaven please just take him no more pain and suffering jst go to sleep .. then the hubby handed me the phone and mum told me he had died my daddy, my warrior and now an angel .. it hurts so fucking bad!!!!! I'm in floods of tears shaking writing this but if I don't now I won't later. I text him every night saying nyt nyt and I have just sent the very last one .. I love u dad so so so much sleep tight my warrior ur fight is over xxxxxxxxxx
26th February 2018
I went to mums today to discuss the funeral, my brother says he's fine with whatever mum chooses and doesn't want to b there to organise it .. arse hole! So I think mum my aunt n me agreed with the local pub after and the crematorium with Mack the knife and bat out of hell (our karaoke song). Mum showed me a picture of him dead, …..i can't cope with this. I went upstairs and got his bracelet so I'm wearing it. Mum has his wedding band. I miss u so much dad .. why U! I hate cancer I love u so so so so much it's killing me inside!!!!! Come back please come back I want my daddy back
27th February 2018
Dad's funeral is booked at the crematorium then back to the local pub. 10th March 11.15, I have absolutely no idea how I'm going to get thru this .. it was so fake in the house today, my brother was in with his mrs and kid and it was as if nothing had happened between us! Where were u all when dad was sick? Where were u when mum was needing help? How many times did ur dad c his only fucking grandson! Or son for that matter!!! Don't act as if everything is alright cause it ain't!!!! U weren't there then n tbh I don't want u here now! It's too late! ! He was ur fucking father, flesh and blood, and u let him down! U both did! And today now he's gone ur in acting like happy families! Piss off!!!! I was by his side!!!! With mum I was there!!!! So u crying your heart out is more fucking guilt than grief! Oh the anger I have is actually scary! I need to calm!
1st March 2018
Crazy red warning snow blizzard! Jst like my dream about dad! Crazy!
2nd March 2018
So I have decided I want a print of my hand print on paper, rolled up and placed in dad's hand. I can't have him go thru this alone I want to hold his hand and reassure him it will be ok! I want him to hold my hand and never be alone! I just want him! He's my daddy,I want my daddy it hurts so bad .
On the print of my hand:
Your not alone i'm by your side,
Just you hold my wee hand tight.
Your bracelet resting upon my wrist,
With a heavy heart I dearly kiss.
By my side is where you should be,
But I'm by yours for all eternity.
I love you dad
Mon 12th March 2018
350+ people appeared to say goodbye to dad .. … sweet dreams my warrior .. stay close xxxxxxxxxxxxx
The end .
