Hi all, this is my first post and I'm not really sure what to do or why I am even here. I have been extremely lost with my experience with cancer - it hasn't even been a year yet. I will start off by saying that I asked for cancer. I have suffered with depression for many, many years, never having it in me to end my life. I was a coward, wishing to have cancer to kill me. I felt it wasn't fair on those people who wanted to live, if anyone should suffer it should be me. Then came the day I was diagnosed. You're all probably thinking that it changed my mind. Wrong. I was angry because I finally got something I wanted but it was so slow growing it would take years to kill me and probably cause my face to be paralysed first. Of course, any normal human being would think this is great news - slow growing so it's easy to get rid of, it won't spread. I on the other hand just couldn't stop crying over the unfairness of it all. I kept saying it wasn't real cancer. Within a few weeks I had an operation which removed the lump along with my salivary gland. The pain and exhaustion made me realise that this was all a message. I should be grateful for what I have. That thought is what got me through the exhaustion and then through radiotherapy. I was diagnosed when I was 23, I spent my 24th birthday in bed seriously ill and then having my radiotherapy treatment. I worked through my entire treatment. I couldn't stop, I didn't deserve to stop. Then my treatment finished, the hospital didn't want to know me and everyone got back to their normal lives. I on the other hand, crumbled. The lack of energy was unbearable (still is). That's when depression kicked in again - why was I so lucky? Why me? I didn't deserve to be lucky. I cannot call myself a cancer survivor. I can barely admit I even had cancer never mind survived it. You probably all see what I mean by being lost now. Life is completely unfair and I can't seem to get over that. I so desperately want to live life, be happy, be grateful but I just can't. I'm so fed up. I guess I decided to write on here to get all the thoughts out of me, all the thoughts I can't bare to tell anyone I know. I feel judged - rightly so... it's amazing what we can all say when we're behind a screen with no name. Anyway, I've rambled a lot so I will leave it at that. Feel free to comment your thoughts.
