I've not posted for some time, it's not that there's nothing to talk about, Dad has been through the mill somewhat, appointments and check ups, a visiting Macmillan nurse. It's almost become the norm. It's not been until the last visit home that the severity of Dad's condition has hit me. He moves slowly and limitedly, ironically the only time he ever seems to walk is to potter outside for a smoke. Otherwise he says the four walls would drive him mad. He's sad, he's tired, he's hurting. The latest prescription has been for more "happy pills" he says. . . . His appetite is none existent, he has a high protein shake and maybe a handful of snacks a day. Not much. He completely forgoes mealtimes now, he can't stomach anything, he can barely watch my mum eat. His legs have ballooned making moving around much more laboured and painful. To look at him now, he is ill, where the last time I posted he still looked his normal self.
Christmas. Don't get me started on Christmas. I've always been the one that wants the decs up earlier every year, the shopping is started early and I'm festive right through until January. But it's so different this year. It's knocking me sick it's like it's being rammed down my throat. The thought that Dads not gonna make it to Christmas breaks my heart. My sister and my mum seem to have their brave faces on talking about plans for Christmas Day and shopping done, it's like the normality is helping them. But I just can't do it. I seem to be the only member of my immediate family still working full time weeks. Mum has been signed off with anxiety the proof she isn't coping I guess. My older sister has been signed off with fribromyalgia and is getting around with crutches, I don't fully understand the condition severity of it on my sister. Then my twin sister is expecting and due in the next 10 days!! Just so much going on. I feel like I could break, surviving on caffeine. And the knowledge that if I can't get through this, there are harder times round the corner that will surely be much harder to get through.
